Day Eight: Create a gratitude list. Continue adding.Self-care is an enormous movement right now. A lot of times, when you think of self-care, you may think of spa days, eating a ton of tacos, a good nap, or the "treat yo' self" mentality. While all of those things are wonderful and make you feel good, sometimes on your bad days, you don't have the energy or mentality to do one of those things.
And isn't that when we need self-care the most? When we're having a terrible-no-good-very-bad-day? Today wasn't horrible, but it also wasn't great. I have been on edge all day and I can't figure out why. Little things that I normally wouldn't care about have made me stupidly frustrated. Childish things like my brand new office is a little small and I have little storage space because my filing cabinet hasn't been setup, and there are wires everywhere and I was supposed to get a wireless mouse and keyboard but it's not here yet and workers did more stuff in my office and didn't bother covering it and there is dust and dirt everywhere on my new computer and there is no coffee and people kept playing with my door while I was working and my brand new out-of-the-box printer doesn't work..... None of those things are something I would normally even think twice about. Shit happens, we find a solution, and move on. Today, I wanted to whine and complain about everything. And I still haven't figured out why. But I guess that's what happens when you're healing from trauma--negative shit just appears and shows itself some days, without even explaining why. Kind of like when a kid is experiencing difficult things at school and may act out in school. It's misplaced and kind of just--comes out--in other environments and towards others. The key, I suppose, is what you do about it. I'm not going to lie, ya'll. I whined to my supervisor and coworker about everything, while acknowledging out loud to them that I wasn't really upset about anything, I just felt this desire to bitch and moan and complain. They laughed, and let me do what I needed. But I didn't feel any better. So, I decided to write my gratitude list. Mostly because I didn't feel like it today, which probably meant I needed it most today. I forced myself to sit down, take a few breaths, and write stream-of-consciousness about the people, places, and things I am most grateful for in this life. Usually this is really easy for me. But today, I felt a lot of resistance. My body and my brain wanted to stay in this negative space. I was about to just give up on the whole thing and try a different item on the list when my cat, Hoban, jumped on my lap. I smiled. I wrote Hoban on my gratitude list. The rest of my list started coming more easily, and by the time my alarm sounded, I had lots of my favorite things all on one piece of paper. I was having a pretty frustrating day. This small task, even though I didn't want to do it at first, turned my mood around. To be reminded of all the wonderful things happening in my life--my family, my friends, all of you who have read and support my journey here, my cat, living in Pittsburgh, having a new desk chair, a good gin and tonic, food in my refrigerator--is sometimes a brilliant act of self-care. My plan is to continue to add to this gratitude list. I may even try to write something new down every day for the rest of the year, so on NYE 2019, I can look back at the amazing and wonderful things I have experienced, rather than the shit storm that began 2018. What do you all think? With so much gratitude, Farrah ♥
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Day Seven: Buy some sexy undies.Buying sexy undies sounds easy enough, right? I thought it did! But, damn, I was wrong. Buying some lingerie came with a ton of different feelings and thought processes that I truly didn't anticipate. I tried on this navy blue, lacy bra and cheeky undies to match. To be honest, I was nervous to look in the mirror. I haven't tried on anything particularly sexy for...awhile. With all the stress that comes with living in NYC, being isolated from your friends and family, and having your relationship in turmoil, you tend to...gain weight. And not feel attractive whatsoever when your partner is toying with the idea of leaving you...and then you hate your body EVEN MORE when he starts dating your unbelievably skinny friend. You start to hate the skin you're in. I would find myself staring in the mirror, spewing self-hate: "You're fat." "You're ugly." "Why would anyone want you?" "Of course he left you for her." But when I finally turned around and saw myself...I felt...SEXY AS HELL. I did some turns and started giggling out loud. I danced to the music playing on my computer. I couldn't believe how good I felt in my own skin. And then the next wave of "stuff" hit me: I was single. Lingerie is so strongly associated with couples and special moments, for things like Valentine's Day and birthdays and anniversaries and honeymoons. And here I was, this silly girl trying on a bra and undies in her bedroom--alone. I could feel a sinking in my chest. My self-esteem starting to plummet again. I threw on a t-shirt and texted one of my friends about how I was feeling. And they said, "Since when do you have to be in a relationship with someone to wear lingerie? You can wear it for whoever you like, including just for yourself." Damn, they were right. I don't have to be in a relationship to feel confident in my body. Plus I have agency over my body, meaning I can wear wahtever I want for both myself and others. My confidence restored, I started writing this blog post. And then I realized that I need a photo to add, thus starting a whole other wave of feelings. Should I post a photo of me in the underwear? Should I take a picture of the the undies hanging on my door? Should I just forego the whole underwear-photo-thing and post a quote? I struggled really hard with this. I texted my coworker, Erin, about the whole thing. I told her I really wanted to post this selfie, but I also didn't want to offend anyone. She gave me some suggestions, and then it hit us both: So here I am, posting a photo of me in a bra. And I know some people may not agree with it. But I had to do it. This whole challenge is about pushing myself outside of my comfort zone. It is about learning to love who I am, including physically. It's about feeling confident as a single person. And it's about becoming more empowered in my life. Empowerment is created and felt differently for each individual, and for me, this was a brave and vulnerable act of self-love. I am allowed to love my body. I am worthy of feeling fiercely gorgeous. I am worthy of someone else finding me attractive, too. This is part of me taking control over this horribly shitty experience and creating something positive out of it. As Erin said: The real strength is in vulnerability.
I am vulnerable. I may have been broken, but those cracks are now filled with gold. A gold that makes me even more beautiful than I was before--both on the inside AND the outside. I am on a journey to feel whole again. To adjust to this new addition--to accept this precious metal that flows through me and has created a new, stronger version of who I am. I am imperfect, but I refuse to allow anyone to dull my new and improved sparkle. Including myself. Keep shining, lovelies. Hitting "post" with shaking hands but a steady heart, Farrah ♥ Day Six: Spend time with someone outside of your usual circle of friends.The really cool thing about this post--and this item--is that I actually had a lot of people to choose from. My planner is full of upcoming brunches, dinners, drinks, and events with people I know, but really haven't spent much one-on-one time with. Jesse is the first of these meetups.
I've known Jesse for a long time--around six years. We both performed in the Pittsburgh Renaissance Festival together, and we are both close with Nate and Sarah (two of my best friends on earth and my absolute rocks), but within different friend circles. Jesse and I really first interacted at a Ren Faire cast party, at which we randomly decided to become each other's "shot buddies" for the night (and the tradition has continued to this day: we never take shots alone if we're at the same party). But, while we've hung out together in groups, we've never spent time one-on-one. To be honest, we don't even know each other very well. But, Jesse reached out to me immediately after finding out what had happened with my ex-partner and ex-friend. Unfortunately, Jesse has been in a--well, eerily similar situation--and wanted me to know that I wasn't alone. In addition to offering a shoulder to lean on and a delicious homemade meal when I told him I hadn't eaten in days, he offered me a ticket to see a Pittsburgh Penguins game with him. Now, Jesse is the kind of guy that can have fun with anyone doing anything anywhere. His friends are his first priority in life and he's simply easy to be around. Even knowing this--and knowing that Jesse is a safe person to hang out with--I was anxious about the whole evening. This was the first time that I was spending time with someone outside of my comfort zone. For the last eight years, almost all of my social interactions included my ex, so if I was every uncomfortable, nervous, or felt out-of-place, I could rely on him being there. He was my safety net. With Jesse, it was just me. And what if it turned out I wasn't as interesting as when I was with my ex? What if I was boring or ran out of things to talk about? What if, what if, what if...the self-doubt started to set in. I've talked about having courage to spend time in places that your ex has been in a previous post. Last night, I had to have courage in who I inherently am. I had to have courage to believe that I am worth having friends, even without the charismatic, funny, charming guy at my side. I had to trust that a relatively new person would enjoy (or, at the very least, tolerate) my awkward quirks, sharing of academic "fun facts", social justice rants, and the fact that my cat is my favorite person (yes, you read that correctly). I had to trust that my personality is worth the time and effort Jesse had decided to spend on me that night. It's a weird feeling...to put yourself in a vulnerable place without the comfort of a partner to fall back on. The reassurance that comes from not being alone is powerful. But what's even more empowering is to be accepted by others who don't have to love you in spite of your flaws or weaknesses or the fact that you sometimes yell mean things at hockey players because you want to see them fight. It's also a new feeling for me to start believing that people genuinely want to spend time with me, and that they don't simply include me because they want to spend time with my (ex)partner...which has always been a negative core belief of mine. While on the surface, this challenge item didn't sound too difficult to me, I was surprised at how much it really did push me outside of my comfort zone. It showed me that I am making progress in learning to love myself, but that I still have a lot of work to do. I'm especially glad I added it, though, since I think it means I've added at least one new friend to my rapidly expanding circle. Thanks, Jesse, for the invite, for letting me wear one of your Pens jerseys, and laughing at my sheer 3-year-old excitement at being at my first NHL game. You're a stand-up dude. Yours in BLACK AND YELLOW (and friendship, too), Farrah ♥ Day Five: Ask and/or Accept the Help of SomeoneYesterday...was a bad day in my healing process. I was feeling really good in the morning--confident, happy, productive. Then, my phone buzzed to show a message from my ex. It sent a multitude of emotions through me like a lightning bolt: confusion, panic, guilt, hope, curiosity. The message itself was logistical--asking about mail forwarding, W-2s, and bringing me more boxes to sort through. So, it wasn't the message that threw me off. It was the damn photo.
He had messaged me through Facebook (I only unfriended him; I didn't block him for reasons like this one) and the photo of him and her--so obviously thrilled and happy to be together--was staring back at me. Taunting me. Reminding me of everything that had happened. I could feel my body attempting to dissociate--for my mind to leave my body, to leave the present moment so it could protect itself. I immediately began using some grounding techniques. For me, squeezing an object like keys helps to bring me back to reality. I did some deep breathing. After some time, I felt off balance, but like I could move forward. About an hour later, I left work, and in the midst of Pittsburgh traffic, I had to follow the identical SUV my ex drives the whole way home. Another trigger for me, I started to panic. What if he was in front of me? What did that mean? Was he going to see her? What was he doing here? I realized it couldn't be him--the license plate was wrong--but instead of being able to shake it off, my mind continued to spiral. I thought of all of the memories that SUV held. Our roadtrip and summer in Colorado. Driving home from Florida after Semester at Sea. Kissing at stoplights and holding hands. Moving to new homes and cities. Keeping him awake after a long day and a 5 hour drive ahead. The conversation that started the breakup. Him and her in his car going to get groceries or to Sheetz and insisting I didn't need to go with them. The two of them together, roadtripping around PA and taking her to places he had only promised to take me....my panic continued to rise. I don't remember getting home. Then, I found out another piece of hurtful information involving my ex. And while I don't feel comfortable (yet, at least) talking about it here, I let go of trying to hold it together for the day and allowed myself to be taken away by the current, under the waves of pain and suffering again. I don't like being pitied. I don't like feeling vulnerable. I don't like when I'm not the strong one in a situation. It's a problem, and I know it. Which is why this item is on the challenge. It took every ounce of energy in me--and me swallowing my pride--to call one of my best friends and ask for help. It was almost 2am and I felt like such a jerk, but I could feel the pull of shame and guilt and I knew I needed support asap. He answered immediately, refused to allow me to apologize, and talked me through my crisis for the next hour. He gently challenged my negative cognition and self-hate. When I told him that everyone should just leave me, because I was unworthy of love and I couldn't trust anyone ever again, he promised he (and likely, many others) were not going to walk away. He made me laugh a few times. Reminded me to breathe when he could hear that I wasn't. Brought me back to reality when he became aware of my dissociation. And only after he was sure I was okay, allowed me to hang up the phone. But before he did, he made me promise I would read the letter he had left me on Day Three. Friends, that letter made me giggle and cry happy tears. It reminded me of the love I have surrounding me. Feeling the paper and seeing the ink grounded me to the present. I could re-read it as much as necessary until I felt stable enough to attempt to sleep. And I slept. Maybe for only a few hours, and maybe not without some stirring throughout the night, but I slept. When I woke up to my alarm this morning, I couldn't believe it. I was so sure I was headed towards a repeat of no sleep, no food, and no self-esteem. How glad I am that I was wrong! Reaching out for help--as much as I hate the feeling--literally turned my night (and likely, my week, if I'm being honest) around. My friends and loved ones who have supported me throughout the last few weeks (and my lifetime!) are the real superheroes of my healing journey. Every day I realize more and more that I couldn't do it without you all. That letter and all of your friendships are sacred to me. And I promise I will help you when you need me, just like you all have for me now. Thank you, thank you, thank you. With a grateful (and healing) heart, Farrah ♥ Day Four: Make an "Empowerment Move."My flight to Vegas was delayed for a few hours due to the impending ice storm in Pittsburgh and the lack of flight attendants due to so many cancelled arrival flights. During this time, I started writing the 30 Day Challenge. When I got to Vegas, I asked Nikki (who has gone through her fair share of shitty breakups) what she did to move on, learn to trust another human (her current boyfriend, Chris, is a lovely guy with a great sense of humor), and regain confidence in herself. She jumped right into the story about her ex and the globe bar.
Nikki had been previously married and living in Australia with her husband when they decided to get divorced. It was...not pretty...to say the least. When she was packing to move back to the United States, she realized just how much she had to leave behind. He was going to benefit from the divorce with so much physical stuff after being a total ass. One of her favorite things--her globe bar--was too big to try to take back with her, until her ex made a comment about him getting to "keep that, too, since it wouldn't fit in her suitcase." This just pushed Nikki over the edge. So, you know what she did? She freakin' took it back. She took the bar, disassembled it into smaller pieces, packed it in a giant box--and with some financial help from a backpacker friend--placed about a billion stamps on that box and shipped it back home to Boston. How badass is that? She recently told me, "He was so pissed! ...it still fuels me." Nikki regained her power and control in that moment. She stood up for herself and took back what was hers. She pulled an "Empowerment Move" that marked a new beginning for her after such a dark and difficult part of her life. When Nikki told me that story, she added, "You need to pull some kind of similar move." I told her I had no idea what that would be. It didn't feel specific enough to include on the list. She told me, "Trust me, Farrah. It'll hit you one day. And it will make a significant change for you." I had no idea that move would be the same weekend I would be with her. At this point, my ex and his new girlfriend had been "out" for a little while. People had been dancing around the subject with me--they would message me to "see what I was up to" or "how I was doing." I was sick of it, and I felt like I had waited until the appropriate time to make a semi-public statement about what had been happening. So, after a drink and a cool photo booth in a locals bar in downtown Vegas, I posted the following with that photo on Facebook: "When your partner of eight years leaves you and almost immediately starts dating on of your best friends, you go to Vegas." Before I hit post, my hands were shaking. They were sweaty. This was it, and I had no idea how people would react. I was terrified that I would be met with, "why did you make this public?" or "how can you say something so mean?" My ex is charasmatic. He's funny and brilliant in the world of theatre. He knows a lot of people and I always followed in his shadow. He had so many friends and I often felt like I didn't have a name, but that I was "his girlfriend/fiancee/partner." It turns out I was wrong. I had such an outpouring of support and love, I was absolutely shocked. People I hadn't spoken to in ages asked what they could do to help. One lovely lady, Catherine, Venmoe-ed (is that a word?) me money so she could virtually buy me a drink while I was in Vegas. And, in that moment, with my phone blowing up with texts and Facebook messages and comments, I felt a shift. A change in confidence. I felt validation of my feelings and that I wasn't, in fact, crazy. That this wasn't my fault*. I was (and always had been) an individual with my own strengths and weaknesses and personality and goals and fears and dreams--and people loved me for who I was, not who I was with. This was a huge revelation for me. I was worthy of love. I am worthy of love. So, to be fair, this item was checked off the list before I even started this blog, but I agree with Nikki: it made a significant change and I want to share it with you. It was the start of a newer, stronger me. One that breathed a sigh of relief, suddenly had a schedule full of meet-ups with people I had long lost touch with, and had a small sense of hope for the future. Looking ahead in love, Farrah ♥ *I'm not saying I never did anything wrong, or that my ex was entirely at fault, or that we never had our issues. But this specific scenario--him moving on to one of my best friends so quickly--was not on me. Day Three: Ask someone to write you a letter about a favorite memory. Read it when you can’t stop thinking about your ex.There is a reason I wanted to do this item closer to the beginning of the 30 days--I wanted to preemptively be prepared for the inevitable. I know that at some point, I'm going to have a really bad day, and I won't be able to stop thinking about him..and her...together.
I've already experienced that, and talked about it briefly in the intro post for this challenge. During the first week after being told that they were dating, I couldn't get it out of my head. I spoke to my supervisor about it (who is an AMAZING therapist and mentor), who said: "Of course you can't stop seeing it, Farrah. Think about it. This is a trauma, and likely one of the most difficult traumas you can face. You're grieving the loss of not one--but two--people you loved and trusted, along with the loss of the life you thought you were going to have. And it can sometimes be even more difficult to grieve those who are still alive." I had never thought about this being a trauma. When I think of the word, images of natural disasters, death, assault, violence, and rape come to mind. But, in truth, a trauma is a deeply distressing or disturbing experience as defined by the individual. That means that what is traumatizing for one person, may not be for another. And I was having the same symptoms that some of the people I work with experience after a traumatizing event: exaggerated blame of self for causing the trauma, negative affect, decreased interest in activities, feeling isolated, difficulty feeling happy, overly negative thoughts about myself and the world, difficulty concentrating, heightened startle reaction, difficulty sleeping, nightmares, and intrusive thoughts... I couldn't believe I never identified this experience as a trauma. I tried to narrow down what may be causing the other symptoms or what felt like the worst symptom I was experiencing. For me, it was the intrusive thoughts that were both the worst and also caused other symptoms (lack of sleep, lack of eating, negative perceptions, etc). Images of them together would randomly pop in my head. And at night, they were worse. I would look at my empty bed with the sinking realization that it would be empty from now on, and think about how they had each other to cuddle at night... I would close my eyes to stop seeing that empty space, and the Facebook photo of her laughing into his shoulder would be staring at me when I closed my eyes, and I would begin to spiral. I couldn't stop thinking about the whole thing and it would continue for hours. I couldn't sleep. One night, I texted one of my close friends when I was at my breaking point. He asked me to think about one of our favorite memories together. I tried, but I literally was unable to pull any positive memories to the forefront of my mind--which pushed me into a full-blown panic. What if the only thing I could ever think about was them?! I cried and screamed while I was tucked in a tiny ball on my bed, pulling at my hair. I couldn't breathe. Eventually I was able to look at my phone. He had texted me the details of a memory so that I was able to read them. Reading them and seeing the words gave me the ability to recall that memory. I started to hear our laughter, the smell of the trees surrounding us, the taste of the ice cream we had spontaneously bought. I was able to start breathing and ground myself to the present. While it wasn't very restful or long, I did eventually get a little sleep that night--which was a huge feat for this point in my life. This experience reminded me just how important it is to be prepared for the tough times. It is so important to reflect upon and tell someone you trust about what you may need when you are at your worst. Because, in that moment of spiraling panic, I couldn't have told anyone what I needed--and it's literally my job as a Social Worker to know what to do and what may work best in crises. This letter is also a personal challenge for me because I have a hard time asking for help, but I have an even harder time accepting it. Acknowledging the fact that I won't be able to heal from this trauma alone is tough. And actively pursuing that help has been exceptionally difficult for me now that (I'll admit it) I have major trust issues. Trusting someone else to support me at my literal worst is a test for me to begin repairing the negative and convoluted belief that no one is worth my trust. And, to those friends who have taken on the challenge to change this belief, it's really, really hard. Please give me time and patience--I know I'll get there with the outpouring of love and support I've received since I started this challenge. I asked the same friend who helped me that night to write me another letter. I'm not allowed to read it unless there is another rumination emergency, but I already feel better just knowing that it's waiting for me in my bedside table whenever I need it. And, sitting next to that letter, are the 50+ Facebook messages, blog comments, and text messages that you all have sent me. There is comfort in knowing that you are all behind me in this healing journey, and that I'm not alone. Thank you all for reaching out to me. I can't even begin to explain how much it means to me. With all the trust I can muster, Farrah ♥ Day Two: Go Out with the Girls.Girls' Night Out! Now, this was an item on the list that I was super excited to complete. So much in fact, that I did it twice: once while I was still creating this challenge, and another last night. Both of them were very different, but both important to me.
Last weekend, I went to Las Vegas to visit my Semester at Sea roommate, Nikki. She pulled out all the stops to give us the traditional Girls' Night Out. Nikki picked me up at the airport with a "Hey bitch, let's do this!", drove us to this amazing hotel with view of the city, and then drank a few bottles of champagnes while wearing matching shirts displaying our...feelings...about my breakup and her (finally official) divorce. We bitched and caught up and laughed and cried until 3am when we just HAD TO FIND BURGERS, went down to the hotel's casino, made a bunch of friends and got some drinks after they heard the story behind our shirts, then fell asleep by 6am. Yeah, it's a little cliche of a Las Vegas. But there's a reason why people do this kind of night out. I had fun. I know this sounds so ridiculously obvious, but think about it. I have been in turmoil and pain for months...even before the breakup actually happened, even before the additional pain of losing a close friend. Mustering the energy to get a shower was difficult...let alone attempting to have fun or smile. Being with a close friend in an environment that encourages you to let go and have fun is oddly refreshing. It's a way to blow off steam in a semi-healthy and safe* way with people you trust. Especially after your trust in others has been absolutely wrecked. I reclaimed my individuality. I didn't have to think about anyone but me. I was in a place where my choices were mine alone, and I didn't have to worry about my partner at home or feel guilty if a guy flirted with me. This kind of night out provides a space to build up your self-esteem and create a new confidence in yourself as your own person, which is something I lost in the midst of a relationship that spanned the entirety of my adult life. I felt attractive and interesting and funny and brilliant and all kinds of other things that I have been doubting for months. The second Girls' Night Out was with a coworker friend, Erin, to a 21+ night at the Carnegie Science Center. Last night was a way less cliche night out--but was important for my building on the feelings and experiences I had in Vegas. I built on the ability to have fun...in a different way. But this was a silly, totally sober kind of fun. We played with every exhibit we could get our hands on. We attempted to become human yo-yos (super hard, btw) and climbed around a high ropes course. We got temporary tattoos and giggled a lot. This kind of fun is different than the Vegas fun because I had no "distractions" to stop me from thinking about my ex. I wasn't drinking. I was in the same city we lived in together and not on vacation. I didn't bitch about them or the situation all night. It was just me and Erin and being as ridiculous as humanly possible. This is the kind of fun that happens most often in life (because a Vegas night out every weekend would be exhausting and may just kill me). So learning how to do this again is a key point in moving forward for me. I built on this new individuality. It takes confidence to make a complete idiot of yourself in front of strangers in an attempt to become a human yo-yo. But it also takes confidence to navigate the city and spaces that you used to visit and live as a couple. It takes guts to reclaim the place you once called home with your partner. Memories of your time with them are everywhere--especially after eight years--and creating new memories and fully enjoying them with other friends or on your own take courage. The more you do so, the more your confidence will grow. As a friend recently told me, the Vegas night is like a "reset" button to be able to move on to the Science Center nights. "Girls' Night Out" may not be as profound and soul-searching as some of the other items on the list, but it really is just as important in my healing journey. Yours in Girl Power, Farrah ♥ *Please stay safe when going out and drinking! Have a plan. Don't drink and drive. Trust your gut--if it says something is wrong, leave the situation. ♥ Day One: Block/Unfriend them on Social MediaThere is a reason why I chose this challenge for day one: I didn't want to do it. Some people I spoke to didn't understand why I was so resistant to blocking both my ex-partner and my ex-friend. It seemed like such an obvious move. But for me, it meant a lot of mixed feelings.
1. I was curious. I wanted to know EXACTLY when they started dating, when they started posting pictures, where they were, what they were doing... It has taken a lot of self-reflection to try to understand where this curiosity came from within me. And I think it's about validating things for me....both negative and positive. Seeing their (official) relationship date validated why he had told me to "move on" so quickly and why neither of them would speak to me for weeks. It validated that I wasn't crazy, and that all the signs that had been pointing to them being together were, in fact, true. I wasn't a crazy ex-partner with conspiracy theories. But it also reinforced the negative self-talk I was having and allowed it to spiral. It goes a little something like this: "Look how happy they look..." ➜ "Why didn't he ever take me to (fill in place here)?" ➜ "Shit, there must be something wrong with me then..." ➜ "Of course something is wrong with you, or they wouldn't find it easy to break your trust." ➜ "I'm not that great, am I? I mean, I'm pretty broken. I have a lot trauma...I'm not pretty, for sure...I did that one thing that one time that upset him and maybe if I would just be (insert adjective here) then I would be worthy of love" ➜ "I am inherently unlovable, and I will always be alone." ➜ "I deserved this. And I deserve to be in pain because I'm not a good person or he would never have left." ➜ "Look at them laughing together. " ➜ RINSE AND REPEAT. OVER AND OVER AND OVER. As you probably can imagine, this did nothing but continue to drown me. It ate away at my self-esteem, my confidence, and my identity. I already felt/feel broken, and this rumination chipped away at those cracks. It led to more suffering, which reinforced my need to remain in/feel my pain. I wasn't ready to leave the pain, because that would mean I would have to accept the reality that he was gone and I had to live my life without him--without us--and without her. 2. It made the whole thing real. I'm a dissociater by nature, and with how tangled and crazy this whole situation was, I often found myself not believing it was even real. How could this be possible and how was it happening in real life--MY life--an not some daytime soap opera? Looking at their Facebook pages and seeing their photos and their ~very~ public relationship status snapped me back to reality. 3. I felt guilty. I felt absolutely guilty that I was the "weak one." That I was the one unfriending them because "I couldn't handle the situation." I tend to be the strong one. Hell, I work with survivors of sex trafficking and exploitation. I handle crisis everyday, upset pimps/family member/clients, advocate to judges and police...I think of myself as tough. So the idea of being the one to bend--the one that just couldn't handle their new found happiness, made me resist hitting the button. I also felt guilt that I was the one person in this scenario that didn't want to "be friends" in the future; therefore destroying any possibility of our friend group to be reunited. I took on the consequences of their hurtful behavior and made it mine--started taking responsibility for our friend group being permanently altered. Unfriending them would mean I didn't care about maintaining our friendships and I would lose them all... (continue into another negative self-talk spiral.) A friend and co-worker of mine listened to me talk about my curiosity, feelings of guilt, validation from the social media followings, and avoidance of accepting reality. After reminding me that my negative self-talk had no proof behind it (for example, my friends had immediately been by my side since the breakup and continued to make sure I was eating and breathing and had no intentions of leaving me alone any time soon), she said something to me that really stuck: Unfriending them is about setting boundaries, which can often be the hardest part of a breakup. She was so right. I didn't do this; they did. And I need to create boundaries for myself so that I may heal. If I create this boundary--of unfollowing them and not speaking to them during my healing--I can refocus all of that energy into positive things. I can focus on how to build myself up and how to recreate my identity and life without them. If I have no way of checking up on them, then I have no choice but to move forward. So I finally did it. And I'm so happy that I pushed the damn button. It was like a breath of fresh air. A weight off of my shoulders. All those cliches they talk about. I'm ready to refocus on the positive, on the moving forward, on the future I will create for myself with the support of my friends and family and loved ones. We got this. I got this. Looking ahead with love, Farrah ♥ My best friend posted the above image on my wall a few days ago. I had just told her about the (literal) worst thing that has ever happened in my life: my partner and fiance of eight years had left me in November, and I had just found out that he had (officially) started dating one of my closest friends less than two months later. By text message. In the middle of a Wednesday while I was at work.
I have never felt that kind of betrayal, rage, sadness, and madness in my life. I stopped sleeping, eating, and had to be reminded to breathe. My brain would ruminate on thoughts of them together, of what I want to say (but never will), and spiraled into the age-old break-up question: What is wrong with me? During the initial breakup in November, I decided to not tell many people about him leaving. I didn't like the idea of being pitied...or even taken care of. I didn't want to ask my friends to choose sides or put them in an awkward position. I promised my ex to keep a lot to myself to protect his friendships, because of course I still love and care about his well-being, and I don't want him to be isolated. Fast forward to the I'm-dating-your-close-friend text message. I lost my mind, and I needed support ASAP. I reached out to my closest friends and co-workers, who immediately showed up for me. They brought food and wine, allowed me to vent, checked-in with my everyday, researched ways to help me sleep...and everything in between. I was (and still am) unbelievably grateful for them. But I still kept it to my close friends...until they made it public on Facebook, relationship status, cute photos and all. I broke down. Again. Seeing her laughing into his shoulder was agonizing. It felt like every time I started to process and move forward, something new would bring me down. It was like I had been drowning and come up for air, only to be pulled down by the current again. I want to swim to shore, take a few deep breaths, appreciate my journey, and walk away. That's why I created this 30 Day Post-Breakup Challenge below. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 30 Day Post-Breakup Challenge ♡ Block/Unfriend them on social media. ♡ Make a list of things you’ll miss/NOT miss about them. ♡ Hide/Pack away photos & mementos. ♡ Burn, Purge, Donate, Cleanse. ♡ Go out with the girls. ♡ Flirt with someone new. Have fun. Feel no remorse. ♡ Take yourself out on a date. ♡ Travel somewhere new. (Part I & Part II) ♡ Buy clothing that increases confidence. ♡ Buy some sexy undies. ♡ Rearrange your space. ♡ Do something nice for someone else. ♡ Do a cliché break-up move. ♡ Make a list of future relationship goals. ♡ Write a letter to yourself. Open it in a year. ♡ Ask someone to write you a letter about a favorite memory. Read it when you can’t stop thinking about your ex. ♡ Buy the thing. ♡ Do the thing you gave up. ♡ Create a gratitude list. Continue adding. ♡ Create a playlist. Sing loud. Dance hard. ♡ Make an “Empowerment Move.” ♡ Do a photoshoot. Change your profile pic. ♡ Do something your ex never wanted to do. ♡ Try a new workout—something high intensity. ♡ Go to a wreck room. ♡ Ask and/or accept the help of someone. ♡ Create something. Start a new project. ♡ Spend time with someone outside of your usual circle of friends. ♡ Start reading an empowering book! ♡ Do something to commemorate the relationship, the breakup, and your strength & resiliency. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- As a Social Worker, I understand the need to feel our emotions, process our grief and trauma, and rebuild. So, during the challenge, there are activities that will help me (and maybe even you!) do all of these things. I will be documenting my journey here to provide you with ideas, inspiration, hope, a few laughs, and support. And if I'm being totally honest, it provides a space of accountability on my part. I need to complete this challenge, and making it public will push me to do so. Finally, if you decide to do this challenge yourself at some point, remember this: Healing is not linear. That means that one day you may feel amazing and confident in your healing and the next you may find it impossible to leave your bed. Remember that this is a normal part of healing. Nothing is wrong with you. Be kind to yourself as you go through this journey. If this challenge takes you (or me!) longer than 30 days, don't worry and don't give up. This is also why the activities aren't numbered--each day you will feel a little different, and you are the expert of your life. Choose what is best for you that day. Thank you for following me in this journey. I know it will be full of ups and downs and inbetweens, and I'm grateful for your support moving forward. All the love, Farrah ♥ |
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