Day Seven: Buy some sexy undies.Buying sexy undies sounds easy enough, right? I thought it did! But, damn, I was wrong. Buying some lingerie came with a ton of different feelings and thought processes that I truly didn't anticipate. I tried on this navy blue, lacy bra and cheeky undies to match. To be honest, I was nervous to look in the mirror. I haven't tried on anything particularly sexy for...awhile. With all the stress that comes with living in NYC, being isolated from your friends and family, and having your relationship in turmoil, you tend to...gain weight. And not feel attractive whatsoever when your partner is toying with the idea of leaving you...and then you hate your body EVEN MORE when he starts dating your unbelievably skinny friend. You start to hate the skin you're in. I would find myself staring in the mirror, spewing self-hate: "You're fat." "You're ugly." "Why would anyone want you?" "Of course he left you for her." But when I finally turned around and saw myself...I felt...SEXY AS HELL. I did some turns and started giggling out loud. I danced to the music playing on my computer. I couldn't believe how good I felt in my own skin. And then the next wave of "stuff" hit me: I was single. Lingerie is so strongly associated with couples and special moments, for things like Valentine's Day and birthdays and anniversaries and honeymoons. And here I was, this silly girl trying on a bra and undies in her bedroom--alone. I could feel a sinking in my chest. My self-esteem starting to plummet again. I threw on a t-shirt and texted one of my friends about how I was feeling. And they said, "Since when do you have to be in a relationship with someone to wear lingerie? You can wear it for whoever you like, including just for yourself." Damn, they were right. I don't have to be in a relationship to feel confident in my body. Plus I have agency over my body, meaning I can wear wahtever I want for both myself and others. My confidence restored, I started writing this blog post. And then I realized that I need a photo to add, thus starting a whole other wave of feelings. Should I post a photo of me in the underwear? Should I take a picture of the the undies hanging on my door? Should I just forego the whole underwear-photo-thing and post a quote? I struggled really hard with this. I texted my coworker, Erin, about the whole thing. I told her I really wanted to post this selfie, but I also didn't want to offend anyone. She gave me some suggestions, and then it hit us both: So here I am, posting a photo of me in a bra. And I know some people may not agree with it. But I had to do it. This whole challenge is about pushing myself outside of my comfort zone. It is about learning to love who I am, including physically. It's about feeling confident as a single person. And it's about becoming more empowered in my life. Empowerment is created and felt differently for each individual, and for me, this was a brave and vulnerable act of self-love. I am allowed to love my body. I am worthy of feeling fiercely gorgeous. I am worthy of someone else finding me attractive, too. This is part of me taking control over this horribly shitty experience and creating something positive out of it. As Erin said: The real strength is in vulnerability.
I am vulnerable. I may have been broken, but those cracks are now filled with gold. A gold that makes me even more beautiful than I was before--both on the inside AND the outside. I am on a journey to feel whole again. To adjust to this new addition--to accept this precious metal that flows through me and has created a new, stronger version of who I am. I am imperfect, but I refuse to allow anyone to dull my new and improved sparkle. Including myself. Keep shining, lovelies. Hitting "post" with shaking hands but a steady heart, Farrah ♥
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