Day Twenty-one: Go to a wreck room.So, here's the thing.
Maybe I left this wreck room item for far too long. The idea was to be able to get out some anger and aggression and frustration. While every now and then, something comes up that makes me frustrated, I don't really feel that kind of anger like I did at the beginning of the breakup. And I think it's for two reasons. 1. I'm in a very different place now than I was then. I have a lot to be happy about and to look forward to that either wasn't present at the time of the breakup or that I was unable to see because I was blinded by anger and depression. ♡I have discovered what friendship looks like--especially true and strong female friendship. ♡ I have learned to let go of the tight grip I have over my life. My therapist and I are still working on it, but my desire to be in control of everything has decreased. ♡I have learned what it looks like to have someone be patient and kind and understanding of your trauma and baggage and still look at you like you're the only person in a room. ♡ I have learned how to ask for help when I need it. ♡ I have learned to be vulnerable and have discovered the strength in it. ♡ I have learned that grief isn't reserved for death, but also for loss of people who are still alive and the life you thought you would have. ♡ I have learned what my limits and my desires in a relationship would look like. ♡ I love going to work and am so proud of the agency I am a part of. ♡ I have learned to slow down and enjoy the little things. 2. Anger is often a secondary emotion. That means while people tend to show anger often, it's usually the "easier" emotion to feel and express rather than the more "shameful" or "difficult" feelings that may be at the root of the experience. So, yes, I was really angry at the beginning of the breakup. Actually, most of my anger was after both my ex-partner and ex-friend betrayed me. And while I do think some of that anger is a primary emotion, it was definitely secondary to other feelings, too. In the first example, I use anger as only a primary emotion. In the second, I'm explaining what I was likely feeling as the primary emotion but used anger as a way to cover up those other more icky-feeling emotions. Anger as the Only Primary Emotion: Ex-partner texted me to tell me that he and my ex-friend had been dating for awhile but are going to make it official soon→Anger towards my ex-partner for moving on so quickly and for choosing to do so with my former roommate/our friend→Anger towards my ex-friend for violating my trust and friendship and dating my partner/fiance of eight years→Anger at myself for "allowing" this to happen and for trusting anyone in the first place. Anger as Mostly a Secondary Emotion: Ex-partner texted me to tell me that he and my ex-friend had been dating for awhile but are going to make it official soon→Feeling rejected and replaced by my partner of eight years→Feeling abandoned by the friend that I had confided in about my relationship and breakup and confused about how she could so easily disregard our friendship and trust→Feeling disgusted and worthless about myself as a partner/friend/lover (including feeling ugly and my self-esteem hitting rock bottom) and feeling like I can't trust my own gut feelings or my choices anymore (since I chose a partner and friend who could do something like this to someone they said they cared about)→Feeling shocked that this situation was really my life and not some stupid soap opera. See the difference? But at the time of the event, I couldn't see past my anger. I could not have told you that what I was really feeling was betrayal, shock, confusion, rejection, worthless, disgusted, and abandonment. Our brains can't make sense of all of our feelings at once when something traumatic happens to us. It goes into fight/flight/freeze response, and even if it's not literally physically fighting/flying/freezing, our feelings can reflect that. For example, when my partner first broke up with me in November, I was in freeze mode--I didn't tell anyone for weeks and basically pretended it wasn't happening. After the partner/friend fiasco, I was fighting--I was feeling anger and was ready to fight my way through this. After some time and therapy and supportive friends, I started really processing what I was feeling both at the moment these experiences happened, but also the experiences of life after a traumatic breakup. I learned to identify all of those (true) primary feelings and then how to work through them. Some of them were stuck points about my self worth. I've really been working on this stuck point and reminding myself that just because I was replaced, doesn't mean I'm not an amazing individual with strengths just like everyone else. I'm unsure of whether I will ever move past being confused or feeling abandoned. But I am learning how to trust again--and continually reminding myself of all the people in my life who haven't betrayed me. Identifying these primary emotions and working through some stuck points and beliefs I have from the experience has allowed me to truly start moving on from the trauma and the people who hurt me. I'm not saying anger is never a primary emotion--or even a "bad" emotion (p.s. there are no good or bad emotions; emotions are for a reason and inform us of something in our environment or within ourselves), but I would encourage everyone to dig a little deeper and find that other emotion that may be at the root of what you're feeling. It can lead to a deeper understanding of self and can help you to move on from the pain. So, while I didn't go to a wreck room to work on the anger I was feeling, I did process it--just with less showmanship and broken kitchen plates. Letting go of the Anger, Farrah ♥
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Day Twenty: Hide/Pack away photos & mementos.My friend, Jesse, has been helping me transport boxes of things from my ex-partner to my apartment, being an emotional support as I go through all the items (and the aftermath of all the things that it triggers), and helping me donate or move extra items to storage.
This weekend, I got in Jesse's car to go to lunch and saw a small, purple box in the back of his car. I had totally forgot about it. It is a box my ex-partner gave me a long time ago, with the intention to fill it with memories, mementos, and photos. It had filled up quickly and we had moved on to storing or displaying them in other ways. Something made me grab for the box. I saw Jesse sit a little straighter in his seat, no doubt preparing himself to be whatever support it was that I needed in that moment. Probably thinking to himself, "Oh, shit. Okay, I wasn't expecting today to go like this, but I got this. I'm ready. Okay. Let's do this." He was silent as he watched me open the purple box and start pulling out dozens of things from ex-partner. I read notes. I read love letters and cards that he had given me the first year or two of our relationship. I found a CD that I totally forgot he had made me. There were pictures from two different photo booth sessions. So many reminders of what had been--and what I thought was going to be my life. Jesse steadied himself as I turned to him after putting everything back in the box and putting the box back in the trunk of his car. "Hmmm. Weird. I feel okay. I feel fine--good, even," I said. And I meant it. I didn't feel triggered. I didn't feel sad or angry or anxious or depressed or numb. I didn't have the desire to ask my ex-partner and ex-friend a million questions about why and how and what. It just, was. I looked over at Jesse, who was smiling. I was happy sitting in that car with him on a Saturday afternoon, with a hungry tummy and the promise of good food and arcade games and sunshine. I know every day won't be like this. But more and more of my days are. For the first time in a long time, I'm feeling hopeful. I can think of the future without feeling dread. I can accept what has happened is shitty and I have been betrayed, but that doesn't mean everyone is going to break my heart or trust. I'm laughing more and talking less about the trauma...Thanks to doing the things on this list, and the people supporting me, and my family and friends, and my therapist, and my job, and Jesse. Before driving off, Jesse asked me if I still felt up to going out. He asked if he could help with anything or if I needed anything. I grabbed his hand. "Much better," I said with a smile. He smiled, too. With happiness, Farrah ♥ Day Nineteen: Make a list of things you’ll miss/NOT miss about them.Today, I'm in a weird funk.
I had been doing relatively well, other than having this "impending doom" feeling. Have you ever had that before? I've had so many crises happen the last ...well, year? that because things have been going relatively well for a few weeks, my brain is literally waiting for something to fall apart. It has become such a pattern, that it has literally changed my brain. When I heard my ex-partner's name yesterday, it sent me straight into a weird place. Not a spiraling place. Not an overwhelmingly emotional place. Just...a weird fog. (Apparently that's all my brain needs when looking for a trigger...) So, while I'm in this fog, I wanted to do one of the more emotionally difficult items on my list. I have been putting off this listing exercise for a long time. I'm not entirely sure why...maybe because I didn't want to have to list good things about my ex-partner or our relationship yet. Maybe I didn't want to admit to the fact that our relationship wasn't all good, and that there were negative things that I overlooked time and time again. When I started writing these lists, I still tried to keep my distance from them. I wrote with my arm extended as far away as possible from me. I wrote quickly and didn't reread the lists. As I type this, the list is shoved under the keyboard where I can't see it. (Pause). Okay, so I pulled it out. I made myself reread it. And I have very mixed feelings. Reading the things I will miss about my ex-partner and our relationship gives me a pit in my stomach. I will never have those things again... ...with him. But that doesn't mean that it won't ever happen again for me. In reality, some of the things on that list have already happened with other very important people in my life. Like road trips and traveling and building things and Sunday breakfasts. This is a reminder that one person does not need to fulfill all of the positive, good, or fun things in your life. They can be accomplished and experienced with multiple people--or even by yourself. Rereading the list of things that I will not miss about my ex-partner and our relationship brought the same sinking feeling to my stomach. I started trying to explain them away with excuses. The same excuses I used when he and I were together. I had to make myself stop. I had to remind myself that while some of the behaviors could be explained, it didn't excuse the fact that those behaviors had become patterns and happened repeatedly. I had to remind myself that just because the relationship has ended, it doesn't mean that I failed. It doesn't mean that I'm a screw-up. It simply means that it has ended. And while I'm not going to 'air my dirty laundry' here, it was a reminder again of the things that I don't want in my next relationship. I still have a burning desire to throw these lists in the trashcan...almost like I don't want them to continue to follow me. I don't want either list to be running through my mind. That burning desire is to move on. To let go. To stop giving power to people who inflicted so much pain in my life. (Pause). I made the basket. Next. Moving on, Farrah ♥ Day Eighteen: Try a New Workout.Working out is another one of those cliche breakup/depression "solutions." I've tried it before, and it never really worked for me. It's not that I don't enjoy being active--I love hiking, I played basketball and volleyball in high school, I danced in undergrad, and I would deem myself as someone who is athletically-inclined. But going to the gym or running without a "purpose" is excruciating to me.
People have suggested I get a workout buddy to go to the gym with me and to help hold me accountable. The reality is--unless it's something like basic yoga--I feel way to self-conscious to workout with someone else. I will harshly judge myself the entire time. That self-hate talk will come back: "You're not good enough." "You're not skinny enough." "You're not good at this." "You are weak." I have already been pushing away that self-hate talk in other aspects of my life in this healing process, and I didn't want to allow it to creep in even more frequently. Not only for my healing process, but because, well, I had an eating disorder in high school. I was very good at covering it up, and while I was never formally diagnosed, my behaviors and thought patterns were anorexic. My freshman year of high school was full of chaos and loss and transition. Losing family members, abusive relationships, the change of my family dynamic, going to high school... I worked out six days a week for basketball. I ate dinner when I was home so I wouldn't raise suspicion with my family, but I never ate breakfast or lunch... And I received positive attention from people (especially guys). I was told how beautiful I was and how skinny I was. At my lowest weight, I remember being picked up by a few guys in gym class for an activity we were doing that was similar to a low ropes course and them remarking about how light I was for how athletic I was. I weighed 106 lbs. For a 5'6" woman--that's really underweight. I would weigh myself all the time, actually. If I came close to being over 120 lbs (the "safe" lower weight that was still considered healthy), it was like my body shut down. I didn't feel hungry anymore. While I've overcome the disorder (with help of someone who barely knew me, but reached out anyway and became my best friend in high school), some of the symptoms linger. I don't allow myself to own a scale anymore, because it triggers anorexic behaviors when I weigh myself. I still don't feel hunger often, and I have to remind myself to eat a lot. And I've always been worried that if I started seriously exercising, it would turn into another problematic behavior...one that reignited those anorexic behaviors and thought patterns. So, I was wary about adding this item to the list, but did it anyway with the overwhelming amount of people who encouraged me to do so. Friends have tried to nudge me in the direction of working out way earlier in the process of my healing from this breakup. I know they meant well, and for some people, it may work. But to be honest, I wasn't ready. I wanted/needed to work through the depression. There were days I could barely get to work; there was no way I was going to muster the energy to work out, too. And I didn't want to feel worthless for not sticking with a workout plan. I didn't want another reason to hate myself. So, here I am now months later. I am having more good days than bad. While I don't feel like I'm 100% yet, I am happier. It's hard to explain, but it's like I have this aura or energy around me all the time. It feels like this dull, fuzzy, hum of grief/trauma/depression/sadness. The shock has left for both me and my support system. Everyone else has pretty much adjusted to life as it is now--my ex-partner continuing to date my ex-friend and coming up on 4 months since it has been "official." Six months since my ex-partner told me he no longer wanted to be with me... And everyone should be adjusting--I'm not saying what they're doing is wrong or that I'm upset or something. It's just that...I'm further behind. I'm still hurting and healing and trying to move on. I'm really learning what it means for me to live a life without them both and where I stand in the world. And while I love my friends to the ends of the earth, most of them are living the life I thought I had--with their long-term partners/spouses, buying houses and having children. I couldn't be happier for all of them, I promise you, but it can be difficult to be reminded constantly of what you've lost. I'm adjusting, and I can't thank my friends enough for being so patient and understanding with me. They're allowing me to have space for all of this complicated shit, and loving me despite all of this. I say all of this not only as a ramble into how I've been doing lately, but also as a way to explain that I'm in a much better place now to try the workout-thing. I'm having more productive days. I've gone grocery shopping and made meals with someone important to me! I've gone to the doctor and I'm reading both for work and pleasure. I have energy again. So, I decided it was a good time to try something new. I signed up for Daily Burn and started their Barre workout program. I had no idea Barre was so hardcore, y'all. Dance and pilates and yoga all rolled up in one--but without the fun, easy parts and with all the intense strengthening exercises. At first I HATED it. But I made myself stick to it, even if I was yelling at the blonde bitch on my tv screen. Now, I have actually started looking forward to waking up in the morning and seeing that awful woman's fake-smiling face. I can feel it making a difference. Not only in my muscles, but in my life. I have more energy throughout the day. I sleep better and more easily at night. I realized that I've only had one cup of coffee a day for the last two weeks...before that, I was struggling to drink less than three cups a day. It feels good. I feel good. And even if you can't physically really see the difference yet, that's not exactly what I'm going for. Yeah, of course, I want an ass that doesn't quit (what woman doesn't?), but it's those other things listed that are more important. And this is an important step in my life towards really taking care of myself. It's even an important reminder that I AM healing, and I AM moving forward. I am taking time for myself and I'm saying a lot more self-love lately: "You are strong." "You are beautiful." "You are kicking ass." "I am proud of myself." Exercising love, Farrah ♥ |
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