Day Twenty-one: Go to a wreck room.So, here's the thing.
Maybe I left this wreck room item for far too long. The idea was to be able to get out some anger and aggression and frustration. While every now and then, something comes up that makes me frustrated, I don't really feel that kind of anger like I did at the beginning of the breakup. And I think it's for two reasons. 1. I'm in a very different place now than I was then. I have a lot to be happy about and to look forward to that either wasn't present at the time of the breakup or that I was unable to see because I was blinded by anger and depression. ♡I have discovered what friendship looks like--especially true and strong female friendship. ♡ I have learned to let go of the tight grip I have over my life. My therapist and I are still working on it, but my desire to be in control of everything has decreased. ♡I have learned what it looks like to have someone be patient and kind and understanding of your trauma and baggage and still look at you like you're the only person in a room. ♡ I have learned how to ask for help when I need it. ♡ I have learned to be vulnerable and have discovered the strength in it. ♡ I have learned that grief isn't reserved for death, but also for loss of people who are still alive and the life you thought you would have. ♡ I have learned what my limits and my desires in a relationship would look like. ♡ I love going to work and am so proud of the agency I am a part of. ♡ I have learned to slow down and enjoy the little things. 2. Anger is often a secondary emotion. That means while people tend to show anger often, it's usually the "easier" emotion to feel and express rather than the more "shameful" or "difficult" feelings that may be at the root of the experience. So, yes, I was really angry at the beginning of the breakup. Actually, most of my anger was after both my ex-partner and ex-friend betrayed me. And while I do think some of that anger is a primary emotion, it was definitely secondary to other feelings, too. In the first example, I use anger as only a primary emotion. In the second, I'm explaining what I was likely feeling as the primary emotion but used anger as a way to cover up those other more icky-feeling emotions. Anger as the Only Primary Emotion: Ex-partner texted me to tell me that he and my ex-friend had been dating for awhile but are going to make it official soon→Anger towards my ex-partner for moving on so quickly and for choosing to do so with my former roommate/our friend→Anger towards my ex-friend for violating my trust and friendship and dating my partner/fiance of eight years→Anger at myself for "allowing" this to happen and for trusting anyone in the first place. Anger as Mostly a Secondary Emotion: Ex-partner texted me to tell me that he and my ex-friend had been dating for awhile but are going to make it official soon→Feeling rejected and replaced by my partner of eight years→Feeling abandoned by the friend that I had confided in about my relationship and breakup and confused about how she could so easily disregard our friendship and trust→Feeling disgusted and worthless about myself as a partner/friend/lover (including feeling ugly and my self-esteem hitting rock bottom) and feeling like I can't trust my own gut feelings or my choices anymore (since I chose a partner and friend who could do something like this to someone they said they cared about)→Feeling shocked that this situation was really my life and not some stupid soap opera. See the difference? But at the time of the event, I couldn't see past my anger. I could not have told you that what I was really feeling was betrayal, shock, confusion, rejection, worthless, disgusted, and abandonment. Our brains can't make sense of all of our feelings at once when something traumatic happens to us. It goes into fight/flight/freeze response, and even if it's not literally physically fighting/flying/freezing, our feelings can reflect that. For example, when my partner first broke up with me in November, I was in freeze mode--I didn't tell anyone for weeks and basically pretended it wasn't happening. After the partner/friend fiasco, I was fighting--I was feeling anger and was ready to fight my way through this. After some time and therapy and supportive friends, I started really processing what I was feeling both at the moment these experiences happened, but also the experiences of life after a traumatic breakup. I learned to identify all of those (true) primary feelings and then how to work through them. Some of them were stuck points about my self worth. I've really been working on this stuck point and reminding myself that just because I was replaced, doesn't mean I'm not an amazing individual with strengths just like everyone else. I'm unsure of whether I will ever move past being confused or feeling abandoned. But I am learning how to trust again--and continually reminding myself of all the people in my life who haven't betrayed me. Identifying these primary emotions and working through some stuck points and beliefs I have from the experience has allowed me to truly start moving on from the trauma and the people who hurt me. I'm not saying anger is never a primary emotion--or even a "bad" emotion (p.s. there are no good or bad emotions; emotions are for a reason and inform us of something in our environment or within ourselves), but I would encourage everyone to dig a little deeper and find that other emotion that may be at the root of what you're feeling. It can lead to a deeper understanding of self and can help you to move on from the pain. So, while I didn't go to a wreck room to work on the anger I was feeling, I did process it--just with less showmanship and broken kitchen plates. Letting go of the Anger, Farrah ♥
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