Nikki's Insight: The Relationship AFTER the Break-upHey there everyone!
I’m Nikki, I’m Farrah’s good friend and roommate from Semester at Sea. You may remember me from her blog post about Las Vegas, or the one about taking back my bar from a really crummy ex. As someone who has had a few pretty garbage breakups, Farrah asked me to write a guest piece about my experience with healing after the end of a relationship. For the past few days, I’ve really struggled with what exactly to write about. Which story I should tell? Which breakup I should talk about? The natural inclination was to write about my ex from the bar story--that breakup was extremely rough and lasted literal years, so it would be pretty easy to write a lengthy piece about the aftermath of that whole debacle. After some more thought, something in my head clicked, and I realized what I really SHOULD talk about is the breakup with the next person I was with, because I think there’s a pretty important lesson in that one. Mark* and I met while we were working together on a ranch in Colorado. At first, I did not like him. At all. I actually thought he was kind of a dick. I only liked hanging out with him when I had liquor in my system. After a few drunken evenings together, we eventually just… started dating. It was never really decided or talked about. It just happened. We fell for each other fast, he moved with me to Las Vegas, we broke up, we got back together long distance in secret, he moved back to Vegas, and we broke up again. All in the span of about eight months. Mark was a nice enough guy, at his core. He had a lot of positive qualities as a human being. However, he was not in any shape to be in a relationship. He didn’t have any money, and I wound up covering the cost of everything we did (including rent, utilities, gas for his car, etc) for which he still has not paid me back. He had some serious mental health issues that he refused to work on and that he used as a weapon against me. He never took ownership for when he made mistakes. He was irresponsible and immature. He was a project for me to work on, someone who needed me to care for them. I still believe he's a good person, he just didn't make for a good partner. The worst part of our relationship wasn’t even any of that. For all of the flaws both he and our relationship had, he wasn’t the problem. It was me. I wasn’t in any position to be in a relationship either! I didn’t even realize I wasn’t ready. I didn’t bother trying to have a conversation with myself about how I was doing mentally and emotionally. The truth is, I wasn’t completely over my ex. He still had his hooks in me. I didn’t love him or even like him anymore, but he still had this… weird, creepy, awful power over me. If he sent me a message, I felt the need to respond immediately. If he posted something on social media, I obsessed over what it meant. He and I still talked almost every day. We were still holding on to each other for some reason. It was crazy unhealthy. So, why did I date Mark? He loved me. Simple as that. I was in a place where I felt completely and totally broken, and I found someone who cared for me in a way I didn’t think was possible anymore. My ex abused me emotionally to the point that I genuinely didn’t think I was lovable or worthwhile, and here was this human who fell for me instantly. I fell head first into this relationship I was in no way ready for because I was so fucking sad and desperate to be loved. Mark was someone who couldn’t put my broken pieces back together, but it was like he went and bought the glue so I could do it myself. I dealt with Mark constantly breaking up with me and changing his mind the next day and doing overall shitty things because I didn’t want to be alone. He used me in his own ways, but I used him to feel loved and worthy again. That’s seriously fucked up. It took me a while to realize I had done that. I didn’t sit down and have a real conversation with myself to make sure I was capable of being in a relationship before I got into one with Mark. It wasn’t until after we broke up for good (and he moved away and we didn’t see each other) that I started the process of recognizing what I had done. I was living in a house where my roommates were never home, I didn’t have many friends, and my job as a nanny doesn’t leave a lot of adults available for conversation. I was suddenly spending a lot of nights completely by myself, learning how to be genuinely alone for the first time in years. I had to do a lot of self-reflecting and a lot of soul searching. I was so lost in my own pain that I couldn’t see the pain I might be causing another person until I got completely through the relationship. With that in mind, what’s my advice for getting through a rough breakup? Do not get into a relationship immediately. I mean, go on dates if you want. Have as much (safe, consensual) sex as you want. Meet new people. Don’t ghost anyone. However, before you get into a real relationship, HAVE THAT CONVERSATION WITH YOURSELF. Have that conversation with yourself over and over again to be truly sure that you’re not using another person as an emotional crutch. Get yourself out there, but until you are absolutely sure that you are in a safe emotional space to not rely on another human for your own happiness, do not get into a relationship. It’s genuinely unfair to the other person. It’s not okay to use someone. --Nikki
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Social Worker || ENFP || Fur Mama || Cheap Flight Finder Wait, isn't there already an "About Me" page for the chica who runs this blog? Yeah, there is, but readers have been asking me to answer the same questions I have asked my friends in the Backpacker Buddies series; so, without further ado:
Describe yourself as a traveler. I travel for local experiences and nature. I am not a big fan of cities (don’t ask about how I ended up living in NYC), but I love experiencing new natural environments and local cultures. I am also a backpacker—I believe in minimalism in traveling (and life in general). I take a carry-on backpack, try to unplug as much as you can while running a blog, and travel as slowly as possible. I believe budget travel allows for more intimate interactions with locals than other types of travel, which is also why I tend to work that way. Pick a travel quote that best describes why you travel. The quote that was used by Semester at Sea to inspire me to begin travelling in the first place was one by Mark Twain. It still motivates me: “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did so. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” What is your #1 Bucket List experience? This is such a difficult question! But, I am looking forward to the day that Jimmy and I buy a van and traverse the Pan-American Highway from the top of Alaska to the bottom of South America. What is your biggest travel pet peeve? Travelers who believe that local customs/language/whatever should change to cater to them. It frustrates me to no end. What is the one "luxury" item that you always bring with you? I don’t really have anything that I bring with me, but my creature comfort on the road is a hot shower (which is really hard to find). Everyone always asks...where is your favorite place you've been? Why? A small village in Ghana. It absolutely changed my life and put me on my current trajectory. My “aha moment” was standing in the Wli Falls, the locals were warm and welcoming, and spending time with children who had been trafficked deeply affected me. I cried when we sailed away. I vow to go back. Is there anywhere that you've absolutely hated or would never go back to? Why? I think I’d give anywhere a second chance, but I truly don’t understand the hype around Morocco. Maybe I need a re-do? What is your favorite way to get from point A to point B? I love trains. You can meet people and see a lot of the country through railways. How has travel changed you? It completely changed me and my journey. I am more introspective, I stand up for human rights more often, I understand my own privilege and power and how to use it for positive change, and I have become more open to the universe and others. It has made me an overall better person, and a much happier person at that. Any advice for the newbies? Just do it. There will always be reasons not to and people who doubt you. In difficult and scary situations, I always will myself to have five seconds of complete bravery, and I have never regretted it. So use that five second courage to hit “complete reservation” on a plane ticket or try that crazy food or say hi to that fellow backpacker. It could literally change your life. Where do you think you're next journey will be? Just bought my ticket to Northern Ireland this July. Stay tuned! ♥ Have any other questions for Farrah? Comment below! JimmyTechnical Director || ENTP || Proud Ravenclaw || Barterer Extraordinaire Describe yourself as a traveler.
I am the traveler with will try to find modern amenities it the most remote of places for a very cheap price. I'm not one for being sticky, but will sleep in a tight or odd space, as long as I have some air flow to breath. Oh, and I like cold drinks, which isn't hard to find but sometimes you gotta work at that. Other wise, give me a backpack and some bug spray and I'm good. Pick a travel quote that best describes why you travel. "Adventure is out there!" What is your #1 Bucket List experience? Antarctica, to volunteer there or something, but that is about as extremely cold climate area you can get. What is your biggest travel pet peeve? Other travelers who complain about local customs or communication barriers. Cramped buses. And being told one thing and having something else of lesser value given (bus to shuttle, etc.) What is the one "luxury" item that you always bring with you? Phone with a calling plan. Just in case. Everyone always asks...where is your favorite place you've been? Why? Jaco, Costa Rica. The town life and atmosphere are a fantastic place to unwind. Is there anywhere that you've absolutely hated or would never go back to? Why? I think I am willing to give anywhere a second chance... What is your favorite way to get from point A to point B? An empty VIP shuttle has been the best for moderately short land travel; A JetBlue flight may be best for travel to Latin America. And maybe a sleeper train in China for the long distance land travel...... something like that. How has travel changed you? I am no longer a douchy American that complains about first world problems. Any advice for the newbies? Get a good, comfy backpack and day pack. And make sure your spouse or significant other has a good one too, or you hold their shit too. :) Where do you think you're next journey will be? Costa Rica...for Farrah and I's wedding! Have any other questions for Jimmy? Comment below! NateHistory Teacher || ENTJ || Beer Enthusiast || Human GPS Describe your travel style.
I feel that I am a pretty laid back traveler. I don’t mind going some place last second or changing our plans when new information becomes available. All in all I think its more of the experience of the different places. However I do feel that I travel through my stomach. Food is unique to a place so I need to try it all. In one word, why do you travel? Food What is your #1 Bucket List experience? Bungee Jump in New Zealand What is your biggest travel pet peeve? Other travelers who do not respect the culture of the place they are in and feel that foreign cultures should acclimate to them and not the other way around. What is the one "luxury" item that you always bring with you? Some electronic device (i.e. computer or tablet). I like to stay in touch with those back home. Everyone always asks...where is your favorite place you've been? Why? Salento, Colombia. It was the perfect mesh of old west, coffee, and Spanish colonial town. Is there anywhere that you've absolutely hated or would never go back to? Why? Tayrona…F**k Tayrona What is your favorite mode of transport? Plane. I prefer to get to a place and see what's there. Also being 6'3" tacll, local buses are often cramped and it’s a giant pain in the ass. What has traveling taught you? I have learned that people behave differently no matter where you are. This has taught me to accept other people for what they do. Any advice for people thinking about backpacking for the first time? Be flexible and prepare to ask questions. I can think of a couple of times that something seemed legit but when I asked questions I realized I was being taken for a ride. Not in a menacing way, but $4 to me is a lot to someone else. Have any other questions for Nate? Comment below! Want to learn more about him and his travels? Visit whereismywife.wordpress.com SarahENFP || Speech Language Pathologist || Free Spirit || Speaks Fluent Emoji Describe your travel style.
I love all sorts of travel! I can backpack in 5 dollar a night hostels; I can spend 300 dollars a night on a luxury hotel/resort. I adore Disney and love mountains. I like it all. In one word, why do you travel? Perspective. What is your #1 Bucket List experience? Roadtrip across Europe and into Africa. Okay, I’m an extraordinary geographically challenged individual so I’m going to type this out the way it works in my head, not in reality. Start somewhere in Western Europe, like, Ireland. Travel down through England, somehow make it to Spain, then Morocco, and somehow hit Scotland, Italy, Greece, and Malta, then Africa in no particular order. Clearly this is 100% doable. What is your biggest travel pet peeve? Toss up between being last to board or middle seat on an airplane. What is the one "luxury" item that you always bring with you? Makeup (though, I consider it a necessity ;)) Everyone always asks...where is your favorite place you have been? Why? Salisbury, England. About 5 miles from Stonehenge, this is a charming English countryside town with quaint shops, a market, and a cathedral constructed in the 1200’s with spires upon spires extending up into the azure sky. The winding cobblestone roads and little alleyways are filled with candle-lit pubs where there are more than a few dimly lit corners to hideaway over a romantic dinner. When we visited the air was crisp and the breeze was blustery yet very welcomed. Though it is difficult, I would have to say this is my favorite place I’ve been, as it filled me with a sense of wonder and tranquility that has yet to be surpassed. Is there anywhere that you have absolutely hated or would never go back to? Why? Tayrona, Colombia. APPARENTLY, a stunning crystal clear snorkeler’s paradise with a bunch of ALLEGED typical paradise bullshit. Let me explain -- It was like, 40 US dollars per person to get in, plus a 10 mile trek in 90 degree heat, up hills, and down into stagnant, moist, humid, and creamy valleys where you will wish for death. To top your trip off, there is the insurmountable disappointment and despair when you get about 20 feet away, only to find out that you have to IMMEDIATELY turn around because the last bus to your hostel is leaving in 2 hours. F**k. Tayrona. What is your favorite mode of transport? Plane. Fast. AC. Guaranteed seat. Toilet. Also, I enjoy airports. What has traveling taught you? This could go on for 20 pages but simply put it has taught me that happiness is often a choice; the things you take for granted someone else is praying for. Any advice for the newbies or people thinking about backpacking for the first time? Just go. Go to Peru, go to NYC, go to a restaurant you’ve never been to before. You don’t have to go far to see or do extraordinary things. If something is important you will find a way. If not, you will find an excuse. So, where will your next journey be? No idea! A journey to me doesn’t have to be to a far place, it just has to be a vibrant adventure. And oh, darling, those can happen just about anywhere. Have any other questions for Sarah? Comment below! Want to learn more about her and her travels? Visit whereismywife.wordpress.com |
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