Nikki's Insight: The Relationship AFTER the Break-upHey there everyone!
I’m Nikki, I’m Farrah’s good friend and roommate from Semester at Sea. You may remember me from her blog post about Las Vegas, or the one about taking back my bar from a really crummy ex. As someone who has had a few pretty garbage breakups, Farrah asked me to write a guest piece about my experience with healing after the end of a relationship. For the past few days, I’ve really struggled with what exactly to write about. Which story I should tell? Which breakup I should talk about? The natural inclination was to write about my ex from the bar story--that breakup was extremely rough and lasted literal years, so it would be pretty easy to write a lengthy piece about the aftermath of that whole debacle. After some more thought, something in my head clicked, and I realized what I really SHOULD talk about is the breakup with the next person I was with, because I think there’s a pretty important lesson in that one. Mark* and I met while we were working together on a ranch in Colorado. At first, I did not like him. At all. I actually thought he was kind of a dick. I only liked hanging out with him when I had liquor in my system. After a few drunken evenings together, we eventually just… started dating. It was never really decided or talked about. It just happened. We fell for each other fast, he moved with me to Las Vegas, we broke up, we got back together long distance in secret, he moved back to Vegas, and we broke up again. All in the span of about eight months. Mark was a nice enough guy, at his core. He had a lot of positive qualities as a human being. However, he was not in any shape to be in a relationship. He didn’t have any money, and I wound up covering the cost of everything we did (including rent, utilities, gas for his car, etc) for which he still has not paid me back. He had some serious mental health issues that he refused to work on and that he used as a weapon against me. He never took ownership for when he made mistakes. He was irresponsible and immature. He was a project for me to work on, someone who needed me to care for them. I still believe he's a good person, he just didn't make for a good partner. The worst part of our relationship wasn’t even any of that. For all of the flaws both he and our relationship had, he wasn’t the problem. It was me. I wasn’t in any position to be in a relationship either! I didn’t even realize I wasn’t ready. I didn’t bother trying to have a conversation with myself about how I was doing mentally and emotionally. The truth is, I wasn’t completely over my ex. He still had his hooks in me. I didn’t love him or even like him anymore, but he still had this… weird, creepy, awful power over me. If he sent me a message, I felt the need to respond immediately. If he posted something on social media, I obsessed over what it meant. He and I still talked almost every day. We were still holding on to each other for some reason. It was crazy unhealthy. So, why did I date Mark? He loved me. Simple as that. I was in a place where I felt completely and totally broken, and I found someone who cared for me in a way I didn’t think was possible anymore. My ex abused me emotionally to the point that I genuinely didn’t think I was lovable or worthwhile, and here was this human who fell for me instantly. I fell head first into this relationship I was in no way ready for because I was so fucking sad and desperate to be loved. Mark was someone who couldn’t put my broken pieces back together, but it was like he went and bought the glue so I could do it myself. I dealt with Mark constantly breaking up with me and changing his mind the next day and doing overall shitty things because I didn’t want to be alone. He used me in his own ways, but I used him to feel loved and worthy again. That’s seriously fucked up. It took me a while to realize I had done that. I didn’t sit down and have a real conversation with myself to make sure I was capable of being in a relationship before I got into one with Mark. It wasn’t until after we broke up for good (and he moved away and we didn’t see each other) that I started the process of recognizing what I had done. I was living in a house where my roommates were never home, I didn’t have many friends, and my job as a nanny doesn’t leave a lot of adults available for conversation. I was suddenly spending a lot of nights completely by myself, learning how to be genuinely alone for the first time in years. I had to do a lot of self-reflecting and a lot of soul searching. I was so lost in my own pain that I couldn’t see the pain I might be causing another person until I got completely through the relationship. With that in mind, what’s my advice for getting through a rough breakup? Do not get into a relationship immediately. I mean, go on dates if you want. Have as much (safe, consensual) sex as you want. Meet new people. Don’t ghost anyone. However, before you get into a real relationship, HAVE THAT CONVERSATION WITH YOURSELF. Have that conversation with yourself over and over again to be truly sure that you’re not using another person as an emotional crutch. Get yourself out there, but until you are absolutely sure that you are in a safe emotional space to not rely on another human for your own happiness, do not get into a relationship. It’s genuinely unfair to the other person. It’s not okay to use someone. --Nikki
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