Day Nineteen: Make a list of things you’ll miss/NOT miss about them.Today, I'm in a weird funk.
I had been doing relatively well, other than having this "impending doom" feeling. Have you ever had that before? I've had so many crises happen the last ...well, year? that because things have been going relatively well for a few weeks, my brain is literally waiting for something to fall apart. It has become such a pattern, that it has literally changed my brain. When I heard my ex-partner's name yesterday, it sent me straight into a weird place. Not a spiraling place. Not an overwhelmingly emotional place. Just...a weird fog. (Apparently that's all my brain needs when looking for a trigger...) So, while I'm in this fog, I wanted to do one of the more emotionally difficult items on my list. I have been putting off this listing exercise for a long time. I'm not entirely sure why...maybe because I didn't want to have to list good things about my ex-partner or our relationship yet. Maybe I didn't want to admit to the fact that our relationship wasn't all good, and that there were negative things that I overlooked time and time again. When I started writing these lists, I still tried to keep my distance from them. I wrote with my arm extended as far away as possible from me. I wrote quickly and didn't reread the lists. As I type this, the list is shoved under the keyboard where I can't see it. (Pause). Okay, so I pulled it out. I made myself reread it. And I have very mixed feelings. Reading the things I will miss about my ex-partner and our relationship gives me a pit in my stomach. I will never have those things again... ...with him. But that doesn't mean that it won't ever happen again for me. In reality, some of the things on that list have already happened with other very important people in my life. Like road trips and traveling and building things and Sunday breakfasts. This is a reminder that one person does not need to fulfill all of the positive, good, or fun things in your life. They can be accomplished and experienced with multiple people--or even by yourself. Rereading the list of things that I will not miss about my ex-partner and our relationship brought the same sinking feeling to my stomach. I started trying to explain them away with excuses. The same excuses I used when he and I were together. I had to make myself stop. I had to remind myself that while some of the behaviors could be explained, it didn't excuse the fact that those behaviors had become patterns and happened repeatedly. I had to remind myself that just because the relationship has ended, it doesn't mean that I failed. It doesn't mean that I'm a screw-up. It simply means that it has ended. And while I'm not going to 'air my dirty laundry' here, it was a reminder again of the things that I don't want in my next relationship. I still have a burning desire to throw these lists in the trashcan...almost like I don't want them to continue to follow me. I don't want either list to be running through my mind. That burning desire is to move on. To let go. To stop giving power to people who inflicted so much pain in my life. (Pause). I made the basket. Next. Moving on, Farrah ♥
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