Day Eighteen: Try a New Workout.Working out is another one of those cliche breakup/depression "solutions." I've tried it before, and it never really worked for me. It's not that I don't enjoy being active--I love hiking, I played basketball and volleyball in high school, I danced in undergrad, and I would deem myself as someone who is athletically-inclined. But going to the gym or running without a "purpose" is excruciating to me.
People have suggested I get a workout buddy to go to the gym with me and to help hold me accountable. The reality is--unless it's something like basic yoga--I feel way to self-conscious to workout with someone else. I will harshly judge myself the entire time. That self-hate talk will come back: "You're not good enough." "You're not skinny enough." "You're not good at this." "You are weak." I have already been pushing away that self-hate talk in other aspects of my life in this healing process, and I didn't want to allow it to creep in even more frequently. Not only for my healing process, but because, well, I had an eating disorder in high school. I was very good at covering it up, and while I was never formally diagnosed, my behaviors and thought patterns were anorexic. My freshman year of high school was full of chaos and loss and transition. Losing family members, abusive relationships, the change of my family dynamic, going to high school... I worked out six days a week for basketball. I ate dinner when I was home so I wouldn't raise suspicion with my family, but I never ate breakfast or lunch... And I received positive attention from people (especially guys). I was told how beautiful I was and how skinny I was. At my lowest weight, I remember being picked up by a few guys in gym class for an activity we were doing that was similar to a low ropes course and them remarking about how light I was for how athletic I was. I weighed 106 lbs. For a 5'6" woman--that's really underweight. I would weigh myself all the time, actually. If I came close to being over 120 lbs (the "safe" lower weight that was still considered healthy), it was like my body shut down. I didn't feel hungry anymore. While I've overcome the disorder (with help of someone who barely knew me, but reached out anyway and became my best friend in high school), some of the symptoms linger. I don't allow myself to own a scale anymore, because it triggers anorexic behaviors when I weigh myself. I still don't feel hunger often, and I have to remind myself to eat a lot. And I've always been worried that if I started seriously exercising, it would turn into another problematic behavior...one that reignited those anorexic behaviors and thought patterns. So, I was wary about adding this item to the list, but did it anyway with the overwhelming amount of people who encouraged me to do so. Friends have tried to nudge me in the direction of working out way earlier in the process of my healing from this breakup. I know they meant well, and for some people, it may work. But to be honest, I wasn't ready. I wanted/needed to work through the depression. There were days I could barely get to work; there was no way I was going to muster the energy to work out, too. And I didn't want to feel worthless for not sticking with a workout plan. I didn't want another reason to hate myself. So, here I am now months later. I am having more good days than bad. While I don't feel like I'm 100% yet, I am happier. It's hard to explain, but it's like I have this aura or energy around me all the time. It feels like this dull, fuzzy, hum of grief/trauma/depression/sadness. The shock has left for both me and my support system. Everyone else has pretty much adjusted to life as it is now--my ex-partner continuing to date my ex-friend and coming up on 4 months since it has been "official." Six months since my ex-partner told me he no longer wanted to be with me... And everyone should be adjusting--I'm not saying what they're doing is wrong or that I'm upset or something. It's just that...I'm further behind. I'm still hurting and healing and trying to move on. I'm really learning what it means for me to live a life without them both and where I stand in the world. And while I love my friends to the ends of the earth, most of them are living the life I thought I had--with their long-term partners/spouses, buying houses and having children. I couldn't be happier for all of them, I promise you, but it can be difficult to be reminded constantly of what you've lost. I'm adjusting, and I can't thank my friends enough for being so patient and understanding with me. They're allowing me to have space for all of this complicated shit, and loving me despite all of this. I say all of this not only as a ramble into how I've been doing lately, but also as a way to explain that I'm in a much better place now to try the workout-thing. I'm having more productive days. I've gone grocery shopping and made meals with someone important to me! I've gone to the doctor and I'm reading both for work and pleasure. I have energy again. So, I decided it was a good time to try something new. I signed up for Daily Burn and started their Barre workout program. I had no idea Barre was so hardcore, y'all. Dance and pilates and yoga all rolled up in one--but without the fun, easy parts and with all the intense strengthening exercises. At first I HATED it. But I made myself stick to it, even if I was yelling at the blonde bitch on my tv screen. Now, I have actually started looking forward to waking up in the morning and seeing that awful woman's fake-smiling face. I can feel it making a difference. Not only in my muscles, but in my life. I have more energy throughout the day. I sleep better and more easily at night. I realized that I've only had one cup of coffee a day for the last two weeks...before that, I was struggling to drink less than three cups a day. It feels good. I feel good. And even if you can't physically really see the difference yet, that's not exactly what I'm going for. Yeah, of course, I want an ass that doesn't quit (what woman doesn't?), but it's those other things listed that are more important. And this is an important step in my life towards really taking care of myself. It's even an important reminder that I AM healing, and I AM moving forward. I am taking time for myself and I'm saying a lot more self-love lately: "You are strong." "You are beautiful." "You are kicking ass." "I am proud of myself." Exercising love, Farrah ♥
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