Day Nine: Write a letter to yourself. Open it in a year.I'm back! I had the flu all last week, and it absolutely kicked my ass. I am still coughing and not at 100% over a week later. It's awful. Get a flu shot, kids.
Even though I wasn't very mobile and I felt shitty all week, a lot still happened for me as far as my post-breakup-healing process. My friend, Courtney, and I have talked about this before, but this week drove it home: It sucks to be single and be sick. All you want is someone to make you food and snuggle and force you to take medicine even if you don't want to. No one wants to get out of bed when they're sick...but when you're single, that's almost not an option anymore. So, not only do you have to find the damn energy to get out of bed because you forgot the tea sitting on the counter that you got up for in the first damn place, but you have to heal without the comfort of someone else. To be fair, I had a few people offer their time and energy to bring me medicine or spend time on the couch with me. But if you've been following these posts, you know just how damn difficult it is for me to accept help. I told them I was "fine" and that I could "make it on my own" and I had all the meds and cough drops and garbage tv I could need. Which was true. What I was craving was the comfort from someone I love. From a person who loves without qualifiers and who thinks that even the crappy-tshirt-and-high-school-sweats, lion-maned, no-makeup-and-red-nosed Farrah wrapped in a million blankets coughing her lungs out and crying about literally nothing is still somehow beautiful and without a doubt, the life partner they have always and will always want. When you're sick, you're vulnerable--biologically speaking, yes, but also emotionally. Which is why it was so easy for me to indulge in some self-hate last week. I know it wasn't helpful to watch "Say Yes to the Dress" while also trying to figure out how to sell my own unused wedding dress online and feeling deathly ill. But I needed it. In that moment, I needed to feel all of my sadness and hatred and anger and tears and illness. Because damn, does being sick really drive home that you're alone. After my self-hate binge, I decided I needed some...hope. It had been exactly a month since my ex told me he was dating my best friend. And that realization triggered even more feelings deep inside me that I thought I was handling pretty well. But the realization that they have started having anniversaries (regardless of how small), made me nauseous. I was feeling so adamant that no one else could see me this sick and that I could "do it alone" (ugh, I know, friends. I know), that I decided I was going to create my own hope for this situation and for myself. I began writing the letter to myself, with the idea that I will open it again in a year. I did this exercise in graduate school: our advisers had us write a letter at the beginning of our first year--scared to death of field placements and being at an ivy league school--to our end of year selves. I remember opening that letter again and crying. I was so proud of myself and my accomplishments. It was a reminder to me that fear is not permanent. It will pass, and with it, will come strength. When I sat down to write today's letter, I wasn't sure where I was going with it. I just let it flow out of me. It felt damn good, y'all. There is something cathartic about talking to the future you, to the person who will have made it through all the hardships and bullshit you're handling at this moment. I decided to send 2019 Farrah some wishes that I want to share with you. Especially to those of you who may be going through similar experiences or difficult times, I want you to know that I wish these for you too. 1. You've learned to trust again. Even just one person. Maybe even yourself. 2. You've discovered and embraced just how goddamn beautifully fierce you are. YOU ARE A DAMN QUEEN. Weak boys are not welcome here. 3. You've let go. I don't mean forgotten or even forgiven. But you've tried to stop replaying the relationship(s) over in your mind. Your intrusive thoughts are less. 4. You're comfortable alone. Really. Not this fake alone shit where you spend all your time with other people so as not to have to spend it with yourself. Really, truly comfortable in your own skin and living on your own terms and your own schedule. 5. You've forgiven yourself. This wasn't your fault. You're not perfect, of course, but they made these decisions. The consequences are their responsibility, not yours. THIS IS NOT YOURS TO BEAR. 6. Maybe you're dating again. Maybe you're committed. Maybe you're not. Just remember that YOUR WORTH IS NOT EQUAL TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS. 7. You've stopped allowing them to have power over you. I hope you've retaken control of your life. That you can go back to places where you have memories of them, or know that they spend their time at, or whatever. You can finish "Stranger Things" without remembering that you were supposed to watch it together or you can hear a Killers song without being reminded that they went to that concert together. You have taken back power over all aspects of your life, and you're living it to the fullest without anything--including the ghosts of your ex fiance and ex best friend--holding you back. These are my hopes, wishes, goals, dreams for 2019 Farrah and for all of you. I hope that in a year, I can come back to this letter and to this blog and know that I'm a mountain of strength within myself, and that we're all mountains standing tall together. I'm also encouraging everyone--whether heartbroken or happily married--to try writing a letter for their future selves. I would love to hear how it feels for you, and compare again next year. Looking hopeful into the future, Farrah ♥
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