Day Five: Ask and/or Accept the Help of SomeoneYesterday...was a bad day in my healing process. I was feeling really good in the morning--confident, happy, productive. Then, my phone buzzed to show a message from my ex. It sent a multitude of emotions through me like a lightning bolt: confusion, panic, guilt, hope, curiosity. The message itself was logistical--asking about mail forwarding, W-2s, and bringing me more boxes to sort through. So, it wasn't the message that threw me off. It was the damn photo.
He had messaged me through Facebook (I only unfriended him; I didn't block him for reasons like this one) and the photo of him and her--so obviously thrilled and happy to be together--was staring back at me. Taunting me. Reminding me of everything that had happened. I could feel my body attempting to dissociate--for my mind to leave my body, to leave the present moment so it could protect itself. I immediately began using some grounding techniques. For me, squeezing an object like keys helps to bring me back to reality. I did some deep breathing. After some time, I felt off balance, but like I could move forward. About an hour later, I left work, and in the midst of Pittsburgh traffic, I had to follow the identical SUV my ex drives the whole way home. Another trigger for me, I started to panic. What if he was in front of me? What did that mean? Was he going to see her? What was he doing here? I realized it couldn't be him--the license plate was wrong--but instead of being able to shake it off, my mind continued to spiral. I thought of all of the memories that SUV held. Our roadtrip and summer in Colorado. Driving home from Florida after Semester at Sea. Kissing at stoplights and holding hands. Moving to new homes and cities. Keeping him awake after a long day and a 5 hour drive ahead. The conversation that started the breakup. Him and her in his car going to get groceries or to Sheetz and insisting I didn't need to go with them. The two of them together, roadtripping around PA and taking her to places he had only promised to take me....my panic continued to rise. I don't remember getting home. Then, I found out another piece of hurtful information involving my ex. And while I don't feel comfortable (yet, at least) talking about it here, I let go of trying to hold it together for the day and allowed myself to be taken away by the current, under the waves of pain and suffering again. I don't like being pitied. I don't like feeling vulnerable. I don't like when I'm not the strong one in a situation. It's a problem, and I know it. Which is why this item is on the challenge. It took every ounce of energy in me--and me swallowing my pride--to call one of my best friends and ask for help. It was almost 2am and I felt like such a jerk, but I could feel the pull of shame and guilt and I knew I needed support asap. He answered immediately, refused to allow me to apologize, and talked me through my crisis for the next hour. He gently challenged my negative cognition and self-hate. When I told him that everyone should just leave me, because I was unworthy of love and I couldn't trust anyone ever again, he promised he (and likely, many others) were not going to walk away. He made me laugh a few times. Reminded me to breathe when he could hear that I wasn't. Brought me back to reality when he became aware of my dissociation. And only after he was sure I was okay, allowed me to hang up the phone. But before he did, he made me promise I would read the letter he had left me on Day Three. Friends, that letter made me giggle and cry happy tears. It reminded me of the love I have surrounding me. Feeling the paper and seeing the ink grounded me to the present. I could re-read it as much as necessary until I felt stable enough to attempt to sleep. And I slept. Maybe for only a few hours, and maybe not without some stirring throughout the night, but I slept. When I woke up to my alarm this morning, I couldn't believe it. I was so sure I was headed towards a repeat of no sleep, no food, and no self-esteem. How glad I am that I was wrong! Reaching out for help--as much as I hate the feeling--literally turned my night (and likely, my week, if I'm being honest) around. My friends and loved ones who have supported me throughout the last few weeks (and my lifetime!) are the real superheroes of my healing journey. Every day I realize more and more that I couldn't do it without you all. That letter and all of your friendships are sacred to me. And I promise I will help you when you need me, just like you all have for me now. Thank you, thank you, thank you. With a grateful (and healing) heart, Farrah ♥
1 Comment
Julie
1/24/2018 01:35:06 pm
Farrah,
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