Day Three: Ask someone to write you a letter about a favorite memory. Read it when you can’t stop thinking about your ex.There is a reason I wanted to do this item closer to the beginning of the 30 days--I wanted to preemptively be prepared for the inevitable. I know that at some point, I'm going to have a really bad day, and I won't be able to stop thinking about him..and her...together.
I've already experienced that, and talked about it briefly in the intro post for this challenge. During the first week after being told that they were dating, I couldn't get it out of my head. I spoke to my supervisor about it (who is an AMAZING therapist and mentor), who said: "Of course you can't stop seeing it, Farrah. Think about it. This is a trauma, and likely one of the most difficult traumas you can face. You're grieving the loss of not one--but two--people you loved and trusted, along with the loss of the life you thought you were going to have. And it can sometimes be even more difficult to grieve those who are still alive." I had never thought about this being a trauma. When I think of the word, images of natural disasters, death, assault, violence, and rape come to mind. But, in truth, a trauma is a deeply distressing or disturbing experience as defined by the individual. That means that what is traumatizing for one person, may not be for another. And I was having the same symptoms that some of the people I work with experience after a traumatizing event: exaggerated blame of self for causing the trauma, negative affect, decreased interest in activities, feeling isolated, difficulty feeling happy, overly negative thoughts about myself and the world, difficulty concentrating, heightened startle reaction, difficulty sleeping, nightmares, and intrusive thoughts... I couldn't believe I never identified this experience as a trauma. I tried to narrow down what may be causing the other symptoms or what felt like the worst symptom I was experiencing. For me, it was the intrusive thoughts that were both the worst and also caused other symptoms (lack of sleep, lack of eating, negative perceptions, etc). Images of them together would randomly pop in my head. And at night, they were worse. I would look at my empty bed with the sinking realization that it would be empty from now on, and think about how they had each other to cuddle at night... I would close my eyes to stop seeing that empty space, and the Facebook photo of her laughing into his shoulder would be staring at me when I closed my eyes, and I would begin to spiral. I couldn't stop thinking about the whole thing and it would continue for hours. I couldn't sleep. One night, I texted one of my close friends when I was at my breaking point. He asked me to think about one of our favorite memories together. I tried, but I literally was unable to pull any positive memories to the forefront of my mind--which pushed me into a full-blown panic. What if the only thing I could ever think about was them?! I cried and screamed while I was tucked in a tiny ball on my bed, pulling at my hair. I couldn't breathe. Eventually I was able to look at my phone. He had texted me the details of a memory so that I was able to read them. Reading them and seeing the words gave me the ability to recall that memory. I started to hear our laughter, the smell of the trees surrounding us, the taste of the ice cream we had spontaneously bought. I was able to start breathing and ground myself to the present. While it wasn't very restful or long, I did eventually get a little sleep that night--which was a huge feat for this point in my life. This experience reminded me just how important it is to be prepared for the tough times. It is so important to reflect upon and tell someone you trust about what you may need when you are at your worst. Because, in that moment of spiraling panic, I couldn't have told anyone what I needed--and it's literally my job as a Social Worker to know what to do and what may work best in crises. This letter is also a personal challenge for me because I have a hard time asking for help, but I have an even harder time accepting it. Acknowledging the fact that I won't be able to heal from this trauma alone is tough. And actively pursuing that help has been exceptionally difficult for me now that (I'll admit it) I have major trust issues. Trusting someone else to support me at my literal worst is a test for me to begin repairing the negative and convoluted belief that no one is worth my trust. And, to those friends who have taken on the challenge to change this belief, it's really, really hard. Please give me time and patience--I know I'll get there with the outpouring of love and support I've received since I started this challenge. I asked the same friend who helped me that night to write me another letter. I'm not allowed to read it unless there is another rumination emergency, but I already feel better just knowing that it's waiting for me in my bedside table whenever I need it. And, sitting next to that letter, are the 50+ Facebook messages, blog comments, and text messages that you all have sent me. There is comfort in knowing that you are all behind me in this healing journey, and that I'm not alone. Thank you all for reaching out to me. I can't even begin to explain how much it means to me. With all the trust I can muster, Farrah ♥
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