Day Twelve: Flirt with someone new. Have fun. Feel no remorse.I've been struggling with this challenge item and this post. I feel like I continue to be torn in a few different directions.
Last night, on Valentine's Day, I spent time with a wonderful guy in my life. He means a lot to me, and I consider him one of my best friends. He came over to my apartment and made us dinner (and cleaned the kitchen, y'all. Bonus points.) There was dancing and candles and champagne and laughter. It was truly a great night. And in the moment, I had so much fun. In the moment, I didn't feel any negative emotions. In the moment, I did exactly what my challenge item listed: I flirted with someone. I had fun. And I felt no remorse.....in that moment. Healing from a long-term relationship and then returning to the world of dating is a weird, tricky thing. I've talked before about learning to become more confident in myself and my body. But there is other stuff to consider, too. For example, the remorse piece. After eight years of being in a committed, monogamous relationship, your brain and behaviors function in a very specific way. You don't engage in intimate, romantic actions with others, right? You've hyper-focused those actions and feelings toward one person only--your partner. If you're drunk and flirt with another guy at a party, it's pretty likely that you're going to feel remorse and guilt the following day. So, here's the thing: my brain hasn't completely reconfigured to function as a single person's brain. Even though I have every right in the world to flirt or feel romantic emotions towards anyone I want, my brain kicks in and says, "What are you doing? This isn't okay. You're in a relationship with someone else." I have to retrain my brain to think differently in those moments. I have to tell it, "No, you're no longer in a committed relationship. You can feel these things. You can fully engage in these moments and have fun. You do not need to feel guilt or remorse for your actions and feelings toward this person." Sometimes, like in this case, it comes after-the-fact and I can talk myself out of it. I can remind myself of the facts: I am single. He left me. He is dating someone new. I do not answer to anyone and I am in control of my own life. At other times, it can hit me in the middle of an interaction. Because, I'd be lying to you if I said I haven't been asked out by some guys since the breakup. I'd by lying if I said I didn't flirt once in awhile. I'd be lying if I said I haven't hung out with someone and felt that spark. And sometimes, right in the middle of hanging out or texting someone, it hits me: the guilt and remorse and shame. Sometimes, what comes up instead of those "you're-still-in-a-relationship-WTF-inner-monologues", are flashbacks or intrusive thoughts about my past relationship. For example, I was hanging out with someone and we were deciding what movie to watch. He suggested "Back to the Future", which sent me straight into an episode of dissociation to combat the gut-wrenching feelings in my stomach. (It's the movie that my ex and my friend used to watch all the time--oftentimes, together, late at night...but I digress.) After I was okay and grounded and he apologized, he suggested another movie, "Office Space", that my ex and I used to watch before bed; hence, another trigger and bout of stomach pains. And then, after those feelings subsided and we found a different movie to watch, (PS I can't believe I've never seen "Love Actually" before?!) I started feeling guilty and shameful again. But this time, for a totally unrelated reason--because I had allowed myself to lose control to these intrusive, traumatic feelings in front of this guy that has been nothing but nice and supportive to me. He had to handle my reactions. And while it isn't "me at my worst", it is "me at not my best" and then I start feeling embarrassed. I start the self-shaming talk: "Why can't you just get over this shit and move on? What is wrong with you? Why aren't you stronger than this?" I am no longer anchored to the present and enjoying my time with this person. I'm gone--I'm in a different place, engaging in self-destructive thoughts. And it can prevent my ability to truly connect with someone. It builds those protective walls because you have just shown a vulnerable part of yourself to someone new. And look what the person you trusted did to you--the person who knew your best and worst qualities and your vulnerabilities; he left you in pieces. This person, who barely knows you, might likely do the same. Especially if you show them too much too quickly. Especially if what you show them is your turmoil and traumatic baggage. So you shove that all back in and add a few bricks to that perfect wall you've been building... So yeah, I am hardcore struggling with trust. And commitment issues. I never, in a million years, thought that I would struggle with trust and commitment (probably because I had such faith in my past relationship and partner). And to be honest, right after he broke up with me in November, I could confidently see myself committing to someone new in the future. Then, after he told me about him dating my friend at the beginning of January, all of that shot straight out the window. I guess the new levels of betrayal both from him and from her shattered what confidence in relationships I had left. I've spoken to my therapist about the fact that I feel as if I'm moving further away from feeling ready to commit and trust than I am moving towards being in that place. And that fact scares the living shit out of me. What if I am never in a place where I trust someone 100%? When my roommate asked me if I wanted to be on our lease, I panicked at the thought of committing to an apartment. AN APARTMENT. How the hell can I commit to another human being for the rest of my life? My therapist told me that I'm exactly where I should be in this healing process. She told me, "Farrah, if you were already trying to commit to a long-term relationship, I would be more worried than you telling me you feel like you're moving further away from it. You're healing. You're grieving the loss of not just one--but two--people in your life. By all means, date. Pursue the sparks that you feel with someone, or maybe even multiple people. Just be honest with them and yourself." That's what I'm trying to do. So, in honest, self-transparency and in the spirit of sharing those things with you, I have to admit that I'm terrified that I will never be able to commit to someone else. Because I wanted nothing more than to be a wife. I think I'd be great at it, y'all. And sharing life's ups and downs with your best friend and love sounds amazing to me. To have a home to call your own and possibly filling that home with a family--whether that be children or pets or whatever. Which got me thinking (again) about the wide-open space that is my future. All of the plans (other than my career) for the long-term had been created with someone else. And now, all of that was wiped clean. The great unknown, y'all. That's when my therapist suggested that maybe I don't need to think about those long-term dreams and goals right now, especially when it has all become so wide-open and scary and new. Maybe, she said, it is better for me to focus on some short-term things right now. Like learning to build and rebuild relationships with important people in my life. It's tough, though, when the majority of your friends and family are in long-term, committed relationships (most of whom are married) and have babies on the way or have already started their family and have houses and plans. Don't get me wrong--I couldn't be happier for them! I feel no resentment; in fact, I'm unbelievably excited. I can't wait to be Aunt Farrah and spoil the hell out of those children. I love spending time with them at their homes and sitting around fireplaces or playing with their puppies. But it's a constant reminder of what I lost and what I may never have. So here I am. I'm being honest and open with both myself and with those people I have relationships with--whether romantic or platonic. I'm not at my best self right now, but with your love and patience and support and jokes and connections, I am rebuilding the capacity to have trust and commitment in others. And you have no idea what that means to me. Thank you. A million times, THANK YOU. Learning to lower my walls with your help, Farrah ♥
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