Day Seventeen: Do a photoshoot. Change your profile pic.When I first added this item, it was because I wanted to have a really cool new profile picture for my social media. So many of my photos are with my ex-partner or my ex-friend is included in them, too. It was pretty surface level at first: I wanted to look amazing AF just for the pure purpose of looking amazing AF. Then, it shifted a little bit. (Let me be clear--that's totally fine. And I still did it for that purpose, too.) Not only did I want to look good and feel good about myself and the way I look, but there was something deeper that I wanted to achieve. You see, I have felt like I was living in my ex's shadow for a long time. Like, for a really long time. He is charismatic and the type that everyone notices. He is charming and funny and oh-so talented. (Plus, to be fair, I've always thought he was attractive: tall, dark, handsome with gorgeous eyes...) We were always together, and his personality and the way he held himself took up space. I don't do that. I don't light up a room like he does. I don't wow people with my talent. I don't turn heads. So I started to become accustomed to being the shadow and for him to be in the limelight. Doing a photoshoot where I was the only subject forced me to become more comfortable being alone. It forced me to feel myself in my own skin. It forced me to be okay with being the focus of attention. I had to shake off my insecurities and laugh about my signature awkwardness. I even tapped into my sexy side for a hot second--which I haven't felt in years. I had a bunch of people offer their photography skills for this challenge (thank you so much everyone!) My former 'boss' from my Seton Hill University Resident Assistant days and good friend, Dave, reached out, asking if I still needed a photographer. He explained to me that he had the idea of trying to capture different feelings that happen after a break-up. Things like frustration, anger, maybe some sadness...but then to shift to other things, like the weight off your shoulders that sometimes happens. Or learning how to feel comfortable and confident in your own skin. And learning who the hell the new "you"--the single "you"--even is after such a long time with someone else. I loved the idea, and so we ran with it. Dave made the whole experience fun and easy. He guided me through the process, always asked for my input, gave me freedom to experiment with how I was feeling, and asked me to tap into some deep shit. He didn't want this to just be any old photoshoot. He wanted it to be therapeutic for me. And it really was. We started with reminders of the relationship. I brought an old mug with a saying my ex-partner used to say to me all the time. I brought a copy of a photo and a note he put on my dorm room wall once. And I destroyed them. I was pretty hesitant to smash this mug at first. I didn't know if it would actually make me feel better, but I've never smashed anything before, so I wanted to try. I thought about what was behind that piece of ceramic in front of me. I thought about the betrayal and hurt. I thought about how he used to say that to me. I thought about the real reason he had bought the mug in the first place. I remembered the anger I felt when I saw my ex-partner and ex-friend together for the first time. And then I broke that mug. And I hit it again. And again. Tbh y'all, it felt pretty damn good. And I felt pretty accomplished afterwards. Burning the photo and note felt similarly. Dave asked me to think about how it felt to look at these mementos now versus before the breakup. He asked me to think about what it feels like moving forward and to leave this stuff in ashes behind me. If you look at the photos, you can see a progression of how I felt during each experience. (I thought about posting those photos here, but I've been careful to keep my ex-partner and ex-friend's identities semi-confidential for those who may be reading and don't know me personally, so I won't be posting those photos here.) Dave and I agreed that we didn't want to spend too much time on my ex-partner. We wanted to focus on moving forward. On the shaky confidence that is growing each day. On feeling good and happy and bubbly and beautiful. But I also wanted to feel like a total badass warrior queen. Dave delivered. Finding these abandoned, smashed up cars and storefront was weirdly perfect. It was empowering for me to put on a feminine lace dress, black boots, and jump on the hoods of those smashed up cars. To sit among the wreckage. To overcome this forgotten place. It felt symbolic to what has happened to me...the wreckage of my relationship. The abandonment of everything I thought my future would hold. The smashed vehicles of my partnership and friendship. I walked through it all, and I felt strong and powerful. I felt sexy and comfortable and confident. I was overcoming and rising above. It was the perfect symbolism for where I am in my healing process.
The other night, I went to Dave's house and he allowed me to look through all of the photos. He asked me, "How does it feel to look at these now?" It felt...weird. I felt vulnerable looking through all of the photos he took of me, critiquing each one, picking my favorites. But that soon gave way to me feeling really empowered and really proud of myself. I felt worthy of being in the limelight, and of owning not only my quirky and awkward beauty, but also my strength and where I am in my healing process. Thank you again, Dave, for this amazing experience. It has helped me grow, and the photos are beautiful and more than I could have imagined. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Rising above the wreckage, Farrah ♥
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