Day One: Block/Unfriend them on Social MediaThere is a reason why I chose this challenge for day one: I didn't want to do it. Some people I spoke to didn't understand why I was so resistant to blocking both my ex-partner and my ex-friend. It seemed like such an obvious move. But for me, it meant a lot of mixed feelings.
1. I was curious. I wanted to know EXACTLY when they started dating, when they started posting pictures, where they were, what they were doing... It has taken a lot of self-reflection to try to understand where this curiosity came from within me. And I think it's about validating things for me....both negative and positive. Seeing their (official) relationship date validated why he had told me to "move on" so quickly and why neither of them would speak to me for weeks. It validated that I wasn't crazy, and that all the signs that had been pointing to them being together were, in fact, true. I wasn't a crazy ex-partner with conspiracy theories. But it also reinforced the negative self-talk I was having and allowed it to spiral. It goes a little something like this: "Look how happy they look..." ➜ "Why didn't he ever take me to (fill in place here)?" ➜ "Shit, there must be something wrong with me then..." ➜ "Of course something is wrong with you, or they wouldn't find it easy to break your trust." ➜ "I'm not that great, am I? I mean, I'm pretty broken. I have a lot trauma...I'm not pretty, for sure...I did that one thing that one time that upset him and maybe if I would just be (insert adjective here) then I would be worthy of love" ➜ "I am inherently unlovable, and I will always be alone." ➜ "I deserved this. And I deserve to be in pain because I'm not a good person or he would never have left." ➜ "Look at them laughing together. " ➜ RINSE AND REPEAT. OVER AND OVER AND OVER. As you probably can imagine, this did nothing but continue to drown me. It ate away at my self-esteem, my confidence, and my identity. I already felt/feel broken, and this rumination chipped away at those cracks. It led to more suffering, which reinforced my need to remain in/feel my pain. I wasn't ready to leave the pain, because that would mean I would have to accept the reality that he was gone and I had to live my life without him--without us--and without her. 2. It made the whole thing real. I'm a dissociater by nature, and with how tangled and crazy this whole situation was, I often found myself not believing it was even real. How could this be possible and how was it happening in real life--MY life--an not some daytime soap opera? Looking at their Facebook pages and seeing their photos and their ~very~ public relationship status snapped me back to reality. 3. I felt guilty. I felt absolutely guilty that I was the "weak one." That I was the one unfriending them because "I couldn't handle the situation." I tend to be the strong one. Hell, I work with survivors of sex trafficking and exploitation. I handle crisis everyday, upset pimps/family member/clients, advocate to judges and police...I think of myself as tough. So the idea of being the one to bend--the one that just couldn't handle their new found happiness, made me resist hitting the button. I also felt guilt that I was the one person in this scenario that didn't want to "be friends" in the future; therefore destroying any possibility of our friend group to be reunited. I took on the consequences of their hurtful behavior and made it mine--started taking responsibility for our friend group being permanently altered. Unfriending them would mean I didn't care about maintaining our friendships and I would lose them all... (continue into another negative self-talk spiral.) A friend and co-worker of mine listened to me talk about my curiosity, feelings of guilt, validation from the social media followings, and avoidance of accepting reality. After reminding me that my negative self-talk had no proof behind it (for example, my friends had immediately been by my side since the breakup and continued to make sure I was eating and breathing and had no intentions of leaving me alone any time soon), she said something to me that really stuck: Unfriending them is about setting boundaries, which can often be the hardest part of a breakup. She was so right. I didn't do this; they did. And I need to create boundaries for myself so that I may heal. If I create this boundary--of unfollowing them and not speaking to them during my healing--I can refocus all of that energy into positive things. I can focus on how to build myself up and how to recreate my identity and life without them. If I have no way of checking up on them, then I have no choice but to move forward. So I finally did it. And I'm so happy that I pushed the damn button. It was like a breath of fresh air. A weight off of my shoulders. All those cliches they talk about. I'm ready to refocus on the positive, on the moving forward, on the future I will create for myself with the support of my friends and family and loved ones. We got this. I got this. Looking ahead with love, Farrah ♥
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