Day Six: Spend time with someone outside of your usual circle of friends.The really cool thing about this post--and this item--is that I actually had a lot of people to choose from. My planner is full of upcoming brunches, dinners, drinks, and events with people I know, but really haven't spent much one-on-one time with. Jesse is the first of these meetups.
I've known Jesse for a long time--around six years. We both performed in the Pittsburgh Renaissance Festival together, and we are both close with Nate and Sarah (two of my best friends on earth and my absolute rocks), but within different friend circles. Jesse and I really first interacted at a Ren Faire cast party, at which we randomly decided to become each other's "shot buddies" for the night (and the tradition has continued to this day: we never take shots alone if we're at the same party). But, while we've hung out together in groups, we've never spent time one-on-one. To be honest, we don't even know each other very well. But, Jesse reached out to me immediately after finding out what had happened with my ex-partner and ex-friend. Unfortunately, Jesse has been in a--well, eerily similar situation--and wanted me to know that I wasn't alone. In addition to offering a shoulder to lean on and a delicious homemade meal when I told him I hadn't eaten in days, he offered me a ticket to see a Pittsburgh Penguins game with him. Now, Jesse is the kind of guy that can have fun with anyone doing anything anywhere. His friends are his first priority in life and he's simply easy to be around. Even knowing this--and knowing that Jesse is a safe person to hang out with--I was anxious about the whole evening. This was the first time that I was spending time with someone outside of my comfort zone. For the last eight years, almost all of my social interactions included my ex, so if I was every uncomfortable, nervous, or felt out-of-place, I could rely on him being there. He was my safety net. With Jesse, it was just me. And what if it turned out I wasn't as interesting as when I was with my ex? What if I was boring or ran out of things to talk about? What if, what if, what if...the self-doubt started to set in. I've talked about having courage to spend time in places that your ex has been in a previous post. Last night, I had to have courage in who I inherently am. I had to have courage to believe that I am worth having friends, even without the charismatic, funny, charming guy at my side. I had to trust that a relatively new person would enjoy (or, at the very least, tolerate) my awkward quirks, sharing of academic "fun facts", social justice rants, and the fact that my cat is my favorite person (yes, you read that correctly). I had to trust that my personality is worth the time and effort Jesse had decided to spend on me that night. It's a weird feeling...to put yourself in a vulnerable place without the comfort of a partner to fall back on. The reassurance that comes from not being alone is powerful. But what's even more empowering is to be accepted by others who don't have to love you in spite of your flaws or weaknesses or the fact that you sometimes yell mean things at hockey players because you want to see them fight. It's also a new feeling for me to start believing that people genuinely want to spend time with me, and that they don't simply include me because they want to spend time with my (ex)partner...which has always been a negative core belief of mine. While on the surface, this challenge item didn't sound too difficult to me, I was surprised at how much it really did push me outside of my comfort zone. It showed me that I am making progress in learning to love myself, but that I still have a lot of work to do. I'm especially glad I added it, though, since I think it means I've added at least one new friend to my rapidly expanding circle. Thanks, Jesse, for the invite, for letting me wear one of your Pens jerseys, and laughing at my sheer 3-year-old excitement at being at my first NHL game. You're a stand-up dude. Yours in BLACK AND YELLOW (and friendship, too), Farrah ♥
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