Day Ten: Make a list of future relationship goals.During the last few days, I've been thinking a lot about the future. My last blog post was all about writing to myself a year from now. I think that writing exercise has continued to stay with me, so I decided to allow myself to feel and think about what I want in my future. Because, to be completely honest, I've been avoiding it as hard as I possibly can. I used to look very fondly into the future. If you know me well, you know that I'm hyper goal-oriented. I often create and follow through with my Roadmaps, outlining goals for the next three months, the next year, the next five years, and for my lifetime. My dad has always bragged that no matter what it is, if I put my mind to it, I'm going to achieve it. I had a pretty good idea of what my life was going to look like. I knew I wanted to be married. I've always wanted to be a wife. I think I'd be a damn good one, and the idea of sharing life with someone who is your best friend and loves you without limits is wonderful to me. And, that's what I thought I had. I was committed to someone for a long period of time--eight years--with the idea and hope that we would be married. We both knew what we wanted to do in our work life, and after years of sacrifice and moves and school, we were both at the point where we could be working our dream jobs, putting money aside for a future home, moving back to the city full of our friends and family, and really enjoy the fact that we had made it. We were so close I could taste it. Then, he left. I'll be honest with y'all, I still thought he and I would work it out at first. We would work on the problems we had and would create a better foundation and continue onward, stronger than before. Then, he started dating one of my best friends. That's when it really hit me: He was gone. And so was the future I had built. People always talk about the grieving process of losing a long-term partner (and, in my case, an additional close friend). But sometimes we forget that we're also grieving the life that we thought we had. As an avid go-getter, this realization messed me up. Everything I had been working towards had just disappeared. Rupi Kaur has a brilliant poem in The Sun and Her Flowers that really speaks to me about this, and when I first read it after the breakup, I openly ugly cried in my office. Suddenly, I'm faced with a wide open unknown. That, my friends, is effing terrifying to me. I can jump off tall things. I can catch spiders and hold snakes. I can call out people in power when I advocate for my clients. I can head to a foreign country with no plans. But the realization that my future is no longer what I thought it would be--and that I had to basically start over--makes me want to crawl into bed and not leave it for days.
So, I've been avoiding it. Because if I sit down and reevaluate...if I sit down and create new Roadmaps and allow myself to think about it...it makes it real. But today, I'm making myself face it. I'm making myself free-write and allowing myself to dream. But let me tell you, writing about what you want in your future relationships, after being left by your life partner for your close friend, is a nightmare. It has made me face my newly added trust and commitment issues head on. Because, here's the thing, I can never guarantee that my partner won't leave me. These goals are rooted not only in what I want, but also in trusting another free-thinking human being to agree and follow through with these things. And the idea of committing that kind of trust to someone is absolutely gut-wrenchingly terrifying. In my own goal-setting, I have complete control. I have control over whether or not I apply to schools for my PsyD. I have control over whether or not I get a puppy. I have control over my eating habits. I have control over auditioning for shows again. I do not have control over whether or not I will ever be married or ever have a family (if that's what I ultimately want). In the spirit of letting go, of trying to entertain the idea that I may be able to trust again one day, of dreaming just a little bit again, I am sharing some of my future relationship goals and hopes here with you: For Next Time: A Guide to Dating Me 1. I need healthy communication. I am not a yelling, screaming kind of gal. And if something is bothering me, I'm going to tell you. I need that in return. I need to know what you're thinking and feeling. If something is upsetting you, please tell me. I can't work on it or fix it if you never tell me in the first place. 2. I need my privacy. For everything that is good and holy in this world, don't go through my shit. Don't randomly "find" my journal. Or log into my accounts to dig around. And dear Lord, LEAVE MY PHONE ALONE. Just because I want some privacy does NOT mean I am cheating on you, no longer love you, or am doing "something wrong." Everyone is entitled to their privacy and to decide what and how and when to share their personal information. I promise to give you the same. 3. I want to be best friends, but I also need my own life. I want the foundation of my relationship to be friendship. Friendship before lovers. I want us to be able to hang out on the couch and binge-watch The Good Place and also go backpacking together and just love each other's company. But I also need to be able to go out with my own friends, to go to a class or something that piques my interest...without you. I need to live life on my own terms, too. Which is a lesson I really learned after this breakup. 4. I need to be a priority. One of the biggest issues in my past relationships was the fact that I felt that I wasn't a priority. Friends, work, personal interests, family...they're all absolutely 100% important. I will never argue that. What I will argue about is when I have a headache but think if I sleep a few more hours that I can join you to go to an event, and instead you leave without me...that proves to me that I am not a priority. If I am having a crisis but instead of helping me in the emergency you go with your friends to the bar...that shows me that I'm not a priority. I am not asking--nor do I want--you to give up everything for me. That's insane. If you have a family party the same day that I asked about seeing a movie, please GO TO THE FAMILY PARTY. Does this make sense, y'all? Because sometimes I swear it doesn't. 5. I need you to be able to handle and accept the fact that I have a lot of trauma, am living with PTSD, and have triggers. If you can't handle the fact that sometimes, when we're getting intimate, I have a flashback, don't call me. If you can't handle that sometimes intense movies can cause me to have nightmares for weeks and so therefore, I avoid them when I'm not in a good place, then don't bother. I understand that dating someone with as much trauma as I have experienced is not for everyone. But don't pretend it is and then tell other people that it's a problem and then take it out on me. Yes, I have a responsibility to work on these issues, and I am. Trust me, no one WANTS to experience these things. But here we are. And all I can do is work towards healing, but I need you to be patient, too. 6. I need you to understand and appreciate my career. I am a social worker. I am working with people who have been sexually exploited and trafficked. My job is to handle crisis--all day long. I love it. But it's damn hard. I will experience vicarious trauma from time to time, meaning that my clients' trauma affects my own. I have supervision and therapy to work on that, and I'm usually really good at leaving work at work and home at home. But here's the thing, just because it's difficult work, doesn't mean I will quit doing it. I have had numerous people ask me if "this is the right career for me" because of how grueling it can be. I know I'm meant for social work and I know this is what I am called to do. Don't underestimate me. Support me. Tell me you're sorry I had a bad day and buy me ice cream. Just like you would with a friend who works at a bank and had a bad day. 7. I need you to ground me. I'm a ...flighty.... person. I tend to dream big and jump at crazy ideas and just generally be spontaneous. I need you to allow me to be me, while also keeping me centered and in the present. Don't kill all of my hopes and desires, just talk me down once in awhile (when it's truly a crazy idea, otherwise, let me dream, yo). 8. I need you to be adventurous. Or, maybe not even adventurous. I need you to be willing to leave your comfort zone. Possibly on a regular basis. I live to push myself outside of my little bubble. Like I said earlier. I jump off high things and hold snakes and travel to foreign countries with one backpack and go try new things. I need you to be both willing to push yourself, as well as pushing me, too (whether that be a gentle nudge to have a tough conversation or literally pushing me out of a skydiving plane.) 9. I need our morals and values to complement one another. They don't have to be identical, but I need to know that you and I have similar belief systems (not religiously, but personally). And if we don't, that we can have conversations and respect one another's belief systems. My one non-negotiable: I need you to be social justice minded. I need to know that you're a feminist and that you will rally for LGBTQIA+ rights and believe that no person is illegal and that you agree that Black Lives Matter. This doesn't mean I expect you to be perfect. Hell, I'm definitely not perfect. I am learning everyday about my own privilege and how it affects those around me and how I can be a better activist, ally, and human being. I ask that you do the same. 10. I need you to be motivated. I am always trying to better myself in some way, and to make a better life for myself. That doesn't mean I don't appreciate and love the life I have. It just means that I have goals and dreams and I need to know you have the same. Also, I need you to be motivated in every day life...which kind of equates to just being an adult? Pay your bills and have a savings account and schedule your own appointments and such. You know? 11. I need you to date me. I don't just mean when you're first trying to get to know me and we're seeing if this would be something to pursue. If we're still together in five years, I want to still be going out on date nights. I want us to be doing little things like leaving love notes for each other around our place and putting towels in the dryer for the other so it's warm when they get out of the shower and having spontaneous nerf gun battles. Let's keep the spark alive. 12. I need you to be on the same page as me about the big things. I've dated different people who say they want one thing in order to continue the relationship, but end up resenting me in the end. I need you to know and accept and agree upon the big things, like kids, settling down somewhere, family relationships, etc. I understand that these change and flow throughout a person's life. Just be open and honest with me about it. This post was difficult to write, but I needed it. I'm glad I added it to the challenge and y'all are keeping my accountable; otherwise, I wouldn't have even touched this for months. Or maybe even ever. I challenge you to try this, too. I feel a little better after writing this all down--like I have a shape of a plan and goals to remember. It feels like I have a better understanding of my own needs, so that in the future, I may have a better chance at accepting someone's love and trusting them with my own. If they easily fit into this outline and I fit into theirs, it may be a little easier to fully commit again. Cheers to the idea of possibilities and love and open futures. With a heart full of both fear and tiny bit of hope, Farrah ♥
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