Day Thirteen: Travel somewhere new: Part III'm back!
Iceland is beautiful, even in the winter. It was freezing, Reykjavik's sidewalks were sheets of ice, but Ben and I had a blast anyway. We met a glacier. Walked on a black sand beach covered in snow (such a weird phenomenon. My brain and body were so confused). We visited waterfalls, including one that was creating snow. We walked around the city and went to a flea market, met some locals and talked to them, ate some food (yes, we had shark and whale and puffin). It was a good weekend, and I really enjoyed my time out of the country and with my friend. But it was still...weird. I was hoping to have a different reaction than the one that I had. Like I said in my previous post, this is the first time I've traveled internationally without my ex and since the breakup. Travel was "our thing." A passion we shared. I loved bouncing off ideas of where to go next and seeing how excited he would get when he was packing for a trip. I loved watching him barter for taxis and laugh with the locals in shops and bars. I loved falling asleep next to him on crowded overnight buses and experiencing the wonders of the world with him early in the morning. I didn't realize until I landed in Iceland that this was the country we had planned on going to next. We wanted to go see the northern lights, drive around the coast, go hiking...he was so excited about going somewhere colder (we tended to go to warm climate countries). He would watch the Greenland and Iceland episodes of Departures repeatedly. All of that came flooding back when I realized I was taking our trip...without him. It was also the first time since he told me he had starting dating my friend that I actually thought the words, "I miss him." It was like the shock of the entire situation had finally worn off. That it was real and now just an everyday ...thing? Nothing is going back to how it was. And I guess now that the shock wore off, my mind started yelling, "I MISS HIM." That's a really shitty feeling to have in general. It's even shittier when you're in a foreign country with one of your dearest friends on their first international trip. Don't get me wrong--I loved being in Iceland with Ben. We had a ton of fun and I really enjoyed watching his reactions to seeing so many amazing things. We laughed and explored and just enjoyed our time together somewhere new. But I still missed...him...and I carry guilt for feeling that way when I was traveling with someone new. I know Ben understands, but I feel like I was being so unfair that I couldn't always fully be in the present with him. I would find myself turning to talk to my ex, to ask him what he thought about the landscape we were watching go by on the bus. I didn't think about getting a map right away, because he would always get up early and ask reception for one. I thought about what artwork to take back to add to our collection and gallery wall. There were so many reminders of him--of our life together, and it would play on repeat in my brain. It still is at times. I had to start changing my usual travel routine and travel role. I was no longer part of the well-oiled travel machine that he and I were. I was alone. Ben helped and planned a lot (and I was super impressed by that, btw). But it was different and new and with just 3 days, I almost didn't have time to relearn and readjust. So maybe I didn't get the experience I was hoping for. While I enjoyed my time, I didn't come back feeling new and refreshed and alive. I came back feeling a little weighed down. But maybe I needed that? Maybe I needed an experience to shake off the initial shock of the situation. Maybe I needed to fully realize just how much I miss my ex-partner and that I'm still holding on to...something, even if I'm still unsure of what that something is. Hopefully I can figure that out and continue moving forward soon. Skál, Farrah ♥
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