Valentine's Day HealingUgh, Valentine's Day.
I know, I know. It's just another corporate holiday. But regardless of how many times I tell myself this, it doesn't really help me feel less alone today. Because today is the first time I've been single on Valentine's Day in at least the last eleven years (maybe longer). Here's the thing, I thought that I would be okay today. Truly, honestly, I wasn't dreading Valentine's Day. I don't feel resentment towards all of you wonderful people in happy relationships celebrating your love today. I'm so happy that you have someone in your life like that. I want nothing but goodness for you. So, I wasn't prepared for this whole swarm of feelings in my gut and chest when I woke up this morning. I'm still trying to sort them out, and I'm still trying to identify just exactly what I'm feeling and experiencing. I do know that it was a hella stupid idea to look at my Facebook memories today. (Duh, Farrah). I wasn't even thinking about it when I opened the Memories page and started scrolling on my phone. Then the photos of past Valentine's Days with my ex came flooding back, complete with love notes. The big kicker, my friends, is that the profile picture is updated, so while I'm seeing his past love confessions, I'm seeing a photo of him and the ex-friend happy-as-can-be together. And hear me out--I know this is stupidly illogical and irrational and I know he loved me then--but seeing that photo attached to words and actions towards me makes it feel like it was never real. Or that it never truly mattered. That it was all an act. Like I said, I'm aware this is wrong. I know he loved me--truly loved me--at some point. But it's how I'm feeling, and I have to be honest with that. Another part of me wants to be "stronger than this holiday and this pain." That's the part of me that wants to avoid the whole day and stay in bed and get drunk on champagne (because I'm classy, okay) and pretend nothing is bothering me. I am really, really great at avoiding my own personal pain and vulnerability, which is why I started this blog in the first place, and why I'm forcing myself to write about Valentine's Day even though it isn't really part of my 30 Day Challenge. My brain wants to shove this all aside and pretend like it's not happening. But the truth is, I will never have another romantic experience with the person I thought I was spending the rest of my life with. And today is a reminder of that. I'm trying not to think about what they are doing today, or this weekend, or whenever they see each other next. I'm trying not to think about whether he is saying the same things to her he used to say to me, or giving her similar gifts, or making her dinner. I am trying not to wonder if he has some sappy Facebook post about her today...(Just typing this makes it difficult for me to breathe and the knots in my stomach tighten and tears well up in my eyes.) Instead, I'm trying to focus on the love I do have in my life. I have a few really close, wonderfully amazing friends that I would literally die for. My family has always supported and loved me in every part of my life, no matter how crazy the endeavor. I love my new job and agency and I love the city I call home. I love my coworkers, some of which are the smartest, bravest, funniest ladies I have had the privilege to meet. I love my cat a stupid amount, and I'm not ashamed of how lost I would be without his silly shenanigans, crossed eyes, and morning snuggles. My life is full of love, but sometimes, even when we can see it and acknowledge and appreciate it, we still feel a little lonely. I have faith that any future Valentine's Days I may spend without a romantic partner will be a little less painful each time. And while I'm sorting through these confusing and tangled emotions, I have realized that one of them is a positive nervous energy. Because while I'm single, I do have a date tonight that I'm pretty excited about with someone who understands the place I am in and respects it (and me). And while we're both on the same page about my trust issues and that I'm not in a place to commit to anyone new for awhile, I'm looking forward to a night of feeling appreciated and finding some romantic connection with another person. So, I guess you'll need to come back tomorrow for my "Flirt with Someone New" challenge item post to find out how it goes. ♥ To anyone else feeling alone today, I feel you. I've always believed that the most difficult loneliness is the one you feel when you are surrounded by others who care about you. And while I know it's not the same as having a partner to snuggle with on the couch or share a slow dance with tonight, please know that you are not alone in your feelings. I'm here with you. I see you. I believe you. And I love you. With untangled emotions, Farrah ♥
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