Seeing My Ex-partner and Ex-friend Again.Yesterday, one of my best friends passed his dissertation defense and is now a doctor. (Congrats, again! I'm so excited for you and proud of all your accomplishments!) To celebrate, a bunch of his friends met up at a restaurant to get him well-drunk (the guy deserves it). There were about 20 of us there...including my ex-partner and his girlfriend, my ex-close friend.
I knew ahead of time that they would be there. A few people asked me why I would go if I knew they would be there or how this even happened. So, first, here's how it happened: 1. I read the Facebook invite. Saw that my ex had RSVP'd as "yes." 2. I started crying and shaking. 3. I realized just how important it was for me to be there for my best friend during one of the biggest accomplishments of his life. 4. I RSVP'd "yes." 5. I vomited. And here is why I decided to go, regardless of how many people (including myself) thought it was too soon (my partner broke up with me November 11 and became FB official with my friend January 1): I decided that my ex-partner and ex-friend would stop influencing my decisions to go to events that they would also be attending. (Of course, they aren't telling me not to go or trying to control my actions, but it is likely easier for them to go to events as a happy couple than it is for me to show up and see my exes happy together while I'm alone and still in pain.) Also, this is about my best friend, not about me and my shit. I want to be there for him, just like he has been there for me through so many happy and devastating times in my life. I was terrified, and I had no idea what was going to happen. So, I came up with a plan. I'm a social worker, so I understand the importance of preparing for a difficult meeting, and I wasn't going to kid myself here: I was putting myself in an emotionally charged situation and I needed to be ready for it. So, I safety planned for myself: 1. I would arrive with someone else (thanks, Jesse!). This way, I had support for the minute that I saw the two of them and would feel less vulnerable than standing there alone. 2. I would have a designated person to be my support for the night. Jesse was ready to leave if I needed to do so, walk outside with me if I needed fresh air, talk with me if I was upset, and just generally check in with me throughout the night. 3. I would limit my drinks to one per hour. I didn't want to cope with difficult feelings with alcohol, plus I didn't want to get drunk and have a meltdown or say something stupid and feel more shame/guilt the next day. 4. I wouldn't spend the night afterwards alone. If you've read some of my past blog posts, my empty bed and apartment can trigger some serious spirals for me. I didn't know what was going to happen, and I didn't think it was a good idea for me to go home and sit with only my thoughts for hours upon hours. So, I showed up. I had been shaking all day. I couldn't eat and I didn't sleep well the night before. But I showed up. And y'all, it went much better than I thought it would. The initial shock of seeing them when I first walked in was--difficult. I remember my ex nodding towards me, but I truly don't remember what I did in response. Probably froze and then walked away, to be completely honest. (Smooth, right?) Throughout the night, I caught glimpses of the both of them. At first, it shot panic through my body, but by the end of the night, I didn't feel much of anything. Everyone at the celebration was supportive. Everyone came over to talk to me and see how I was doing, tell me they thought it was awesome that I had worked up the courage to be there, and to catch up. And, honestly, it felt--normal? Is that the word? Of course, at the beginning of most conversations, the person asked how I was holding up, but after a few sentences, we had moved on to everyday, general life things: engagements, the baby at the party, auditions in the community, work problems, new board games, past inside jokes... It felt good to feel a part of a group again. I have been struggling with where I fit for the last few months. It's not that my friends were intentionally leaving me out or anything, but I have been attempting to figure out how I function and interact with others again as a single person. And, to be honest, our friend group has changed. It has shifted and evolved and it's no longer the same as it used to be. So trying to figure out where and how I fit in with the people I love and care about has been a new challenge for me, but I feel like I'm starting to figure that out. I'm learning who "my people" are (not that I'm asking anyone to choose sides or anything!) and that feels good. I feel less alone after last night's event. Don't get me wrong--it was still really, really hard to see him kiss her forehead. Or to see her looking up at him so happily. Or him touch her face. But I held my own last night. I stood confident in myself. I didn't crumble; instead, I held my head high. I'm so glad that I pushed myself to go. Not only for myself, but so I could celebrate my best friend's accomplishment. It meant a lot to me to be there. Healing is linear, and last night was a high point. Finally. Standing tall (with your unending support), Farrah ♥
1 Comment
Nicky
3/6/2018 02:15:00 pm
Finn loved getting to meet you. Maybe next time he won't be so cranky. :)
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