Erin's Insight: Avoiding the Honesty of It AllIn the midst of one of our daily text message exchanges, Farrah asked me to write about breakups and healing as a guest writer for her 30-Day Challenge. I was honored and excited and almost immediately jumped into writing a post that was, eh...probably about 50,000 words too long, about healing from trauma. Then I wrote another entire post that was about another 50,000 words too long about my own heartbreak and healing experiences. I didn't realize that I had so much to say! Both were relevant but didn't seem cohesive enough for her blog. The very experience of sitting down and writing about the things that have broken me apart and caused the most suffering in my life was exhausting. Even attempts to summarize what I know about trauma and healing from an academic or clinical perspective was exhausting! The computer screen quickly filled up with the thoughts and emotions I thought I had fully addressed. Really, I had only scratched the surface. Later on, the notes pages on my iPhone filled up just as fast as I struggled to get the words out of my brain so it would STFU ALREADY SO I CAN GO TO SLEEP I HAVE A 9AM APPOINTMENT, DAMMIT!! It was a struggle for me to discern exactly what I wanted to say. Did I want to offer a "safe" route and tout advice as a mental health professional? Or my experience healing as a trauma survivor? Or as someone who has caused heartbreak? As someone who has experienced heartbreak? Which perspective would be the most valuable to readers?? The reason I am taking you through my inner dialogue is because it is tantamount to what I ultimately (just now) decided what this post is about--honesty in healing. I had to experience these processes to figure out just what I wanted to say and to come to terms with the how and why. Ultimately, healing is really just about honesty—being honest with yourself and exploring not only what you want but what you need. Honesty about what you are accountable for, and what you can realistically do about it. Honesty about what you are avoiding, and why. Farrah and I are alike in the methods in which we tend to cope with our own emotional pain--we are master avoiders! As many people are. I avoided a decision about how to address this topic publicly because it is a painful one and it brought up a lot of things that I would totally love to never, ever think about again. As a therapist who works primarily with survivors of sexual assault and/or abuse, I am very comfortable sitting with other people's intense emotions and helping them be vulnerable enough to manage the good, bad, and the ugly. However, sitting with my own emotions and vulnerability is a whole 'nother story. On a very basic neurobiological level, it's human nature to avoid pain--emotional or physical--to survive; to respond to our internal alarm system. We do this without planning. A negative emotional response elicits a physical response similar to anxiety—the limbic part of your brain kicks into overdrive and your heart rate increases, your cheeks flush, you sweat, your gut feels weird...you know the feeling. It’s gross AF. In general, behaviors that avoid or command control of physical pain (see: tattoos, piercings, self-harm, adrenaline-seeking) is fairly straight-forward. However, avoiding emotional pain is something we often do without full awareness. We inherently avoid negative feelings on a spectrum ranging from the extreme (completely dissociating, gaps in time/memory) to fairly commonplace (binge-watching TV shows, mindlessly eating, losing track of time while playing Candy Crush). We do this because it works, until it doesn’t anymore. It’s not sustainable and sooner rather than later we need something else to fill that void (on an extreme level, this is how addiction works). Avoidance Avenue is where most of us live on a daily basis. While we may reside there, Avoidance Avenue isn’t a place to heal. (BRB, writing it down and avoiding on the list of “things I say to my clients that induces eye-rolling”). This is a somewhat adaptive way of functioning and a way to stay just where we are in this moment. The very definition of healing is "the process of becoming healthy again". *cue jubilant screaming* The PROCESS. Healing is a journey, not an endpoint. It's an active process that takes a lot of effort. It's easier to stay stagnant than to actually heal. Trust me, we all want a quick fix. My own therapy sessions often revolve around struggling to come to terms with my own avoidance while helping others heal. At times, I feel like a huge hypocrite. My therapist and I recently had a conversation about this and I'd like to share her (grossly) paraphrased perspective: "(Healing) is not only a process, but a lifelong process. You find different healers, different people, different methods along the way that match where you are at that point in your life and what you're dealing with. There will always be something to address, another level of self-awareness to achieve. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that." For me, hearing someone I trust and respect--both personally and professionally--echo the words I already know is reassuring. Having someone who knows me--and I can say anything to about how talking about rape all day every day is affecting me--and knowing that her office is a safe space for me does wonders for my own healing. Being honest with yourself is the bravest, most terrifying, and probably most helpful thing that you can do. It takes a lot of self-compassion and support at times. You may not be there right now or even know how to get there. And that is perfectly okay. Being honest with that alone, or wherever you are in the process right now is the perfect point. I am of course biased as both a therapist and a client but I always encourage people to try therapy. I don't care if you don't think you need it, or if you can handle it on your own. Just go talk to someone a few times. And be picky! Finding the right therapist who can help you explore your own avoidance (don't even roll your eyes, we ALL avoid at least once in awhile) and find your honest voice can be revolutionary. I got this heartbeat tattoo on the back of my neck several years ago as a personal reminder about healing. When you get an EKG, the QRS complex represents a regular heartbeat that dips slightly (Q), spikes up high (R), and then drops way below baseline (S). And repeats over…and over…and over...and over…and over…and over… It’s a reminder to me that without the ups and downs in life, you're dead. Quite literally. Healing works like this, too. There's no quick fix. There are going to be days where you feel like you’re dying, like you can’t control anything, like you’re worthless, like it would be easier to give up. But feelings are fleeting. The ups and downs will come, because healing is not linear. Explore what reminds you to find honesty and self-compassion and honor the changes that come. The process of writing this was a wonderful reminder for me! I am thankful Farrah trusted me to write something for her blog (hopefully she's not regretting it...) There’s a raw honesty to Farrah’s perspective on her breakup that I find absolutely beautiful. This 30-day challenge is a brilliant way to give herself a tangible way to see her healing in process. She is unabashedly herself, working on the excruciating journey that is honesty to self. She struggles with vulnerability, yet she pushes herself to grow by stepping outside of her comfort zone. I admire her and am grateful to be her fellow ENFP, social worker, and friend. I am fortunate to be on this path with her, and even more fortunate to have her on mine. Farrah, I hope I help you heal as you help me, sister brain <3 --Erin
0 Comments
Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
Leave a Reply. |
Archives
June 2018
Categories
All
|